Unsaid Things

Disappointing Excitement

I honestly don't even know why I still talk to you anymore. You get my hopes up and I know better then to not let you but it happens anyway. We always end up like this. We hang out and we end up in each others arms. Every. Fucking. Time. Without fail and I don't know why you can't see that's a sign. 

You said you wanted me, you said you loved me. And I believed you were going to break up with her. I really did. But now I don't know. I want to think that you will but the way you were talking makes it sound like I'm going to go another 3 or 4 months without hearing from you again. I hate it when we go that long without talking or hanging out. I love being near you. And you know that I do.

The first time we had spent time together in a good while was a few weeks ago. We were going to go swim in the river but we ended up helping Kyler and his friends out because their car broke down. So we got done with that and we went to Walmart to get some things for your car. Then we went and sat at the park. We talked and you said some things that made me cry. You said you considered Ethan your son and you still loved him just as much as you did when he was born. Do you have any idea how hard that hit me? That fucked my emotions up so badly...

 I still love you with all of my heart and you are the only ex I would ever conciser taking back. I fucked up and I want you. But I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering if I will ever get another chance. I want to know how it will be and I will leave it alone. She doesn't deserve you. She annoying and immature and a selfish brat. You shouldn't be with her. You need to be with someone who is your own age. And I'm not saying you need to be with me. I'm saying you don't need to be 19 years old in a relationship with a 16 year old. You could get in so much trouble if she wanted to be a bitch. Honestly I wouldn't put it past her.

I want you back... You gave me hope and then took it away again. It's like a circle that never stops. We talk and you say you want to start talking again, then you leave and don't talk to me for months at a time. Then it starts all over again. You have no idea what I would do to have you back. I love you and I miss you so much but damn... I can't live playing these games any more. I saw a think a while back. It was a post that said "If ya'll break up and you still can't leave each other alone. Don't force the break up, ya'll belong together." and I couldn't help but think of us. We can't leave each other alone, like at all. We flirt and play and mess around. Everyone sees it. We both deny the fact that we flirt with each other and everyone knows better then that. 

This weekend is the most I have ever been around you during a rodeo before. I was right by your side or very close to you during all of it. And for what? To see you choose a 16 year old bitch over me? I don't mean to sound so selfish but damn. Do you have any idea how that feels? You gave me hope. You told me you wanted me back. And then you do this. Again. This is like the 4th time you have done this to me. And you know what's sad? I'm still here for you even after you have hurt me so many times. I still love you after you have spent hours cussing me out and calling me names. I still want you after you have hurt me so many times. 

Why is that? Why do I still want you so badly? Because you were my first love. You were the first person I gave all of my hear to and I never got it back. I want "us" back. And I would do a lot to get it back. If it means cutting out friends, fine I don't have many to start with. I would do anything to have you back and prove to you that I want you. I would do anything. 

Why won't you give me a chance? You always say you will but never do. Please... Please let me show you how much I want you...

~Unsaid things to a man I love