Unsaid Things

So I was thinking

Each time we talk, I get a deeper and deeper pain in my heart. And I finally figured out that it's because I love you. Not because it's 11 at night and I haven't slept good in several days. It's because I really truly am in love with you. Not because I'm sad and want someone there for me or because I'm lonely. I love you just for being you. The way you laugh or smile makes my heart happy and full. I love you at 2 am when I'm awake with nothing but my own thoughts and fears. Or when it's 10 am and I check to see if you've text me yet. Or even when it's 4 in the afternoon and I'm doing something I wish we could be doing together. Or maybe we are video chatting and telling each other jokes. Whatever it is, I will continue loving you. Today, tomorrow, and the next day. And all the days after that as well, I will keep loving you. 

Tonight was a time where I really wish you could have been here with me. I would love to make something with you, I want to be able to make those good memories with you but I know it will be a long while before I can because you're so far away. Now I know that isn't your fault or even something you can control, because you can't control it and neither can I. But I miss you so much... I haven't ever been able to handle a long distance relationship before in any way and I am so scared that you will grow tired of me and leave me behind like you did when you first moved... I know that wasn't you leaving me behind, it was just that you needed space and I was ok with that. But it hurt... A lot, I needed you and I was worried that you left me. I wondered about you ever day and thought about messaging you but never did because I didn't want to bother you. 

I really hope that we are able to go on our adventure together. I would love that so much because it would be our first adventure alone and I want that for us. I want us to be able to do these things and have fun with it. I want more "us" time. The day that you were here was the best day I think I have ever had with a friend honestly. I felt loved and safe and wanted the entire time which is something I haven't ever had before. Everyone gets tired of me after a while. But you don't. At least you don't seem to. You always make sure I'm ok and honestly I'm not used to that. I'm used to being the one that puts in all the effort and gets nothing in return but I don't have to do that with you. On my bad days, you make up for my lost effort. On your bad days I make up for lost effort, and the rest of the time it's even. We both put in the same amount of energy and time to each other. 

You have every right to talk about your girlfriend and brag about her and go on about her, that's a sweet and romantic thing to do and girls love it. But each time I hear her name, it feels like a small knife is going a little farther into my heart. Like I said, it's a good thing you talk about her a lot and brag about her or tell me things you guys did while you were there. I'm glad to see that you are happy, I really am. I just wish I had been smart enough to be the reason you're so happy. I want to be the one getting kisses and being called your princess and all of those things. But I let that get away and I never realized how badly that impacted me till you came back, before you came back it was easy because it wasn't there. But then you came back and you held me and you kissed my forehead and you were there for me and.... I didn't realize how much i was taking advantage of it util it wasn't mine to take advantage of and I will always be sorry for that. Sometimes I think you should tell her the things you do with me, just because if I was in her place I would want you to tell me if something like that happened. But I know if you did, it wouldn't be good at all. I can't wait to be with you again here in the next month or so but I'm also so scared because I don't want to be crushed again. And I know I might be. Don't get me wrong, I would do anything to see you again, but I also remember what it feels like to see you. It feels like my whole world is being torn apart and there isn't anything I can do about it. I love you. I always have and always will. Believe me that won't ever change. I mean I'm breaking a huge tattoo rule for you. But I have broken almost every rule that I have for myself with you. Y

You're the reason I'm still here. You saved my life just like I saved yours... 

~Unsaid things to my best friend