Unsaid Things

If Only...

If only there was something I could do to change it. Today when we were talking and you said something about what you did last night, I wanted to cry... You have no idea how much I get hurt by the things you say about her and it's not even her... It's the things she represents. She represents everything I can't have or won't ever have. I'm not the jealous type, I'm really not. 

I just... I look at you and I see everything that I want in a person and everything I could ever need in someone. And the fact that all you are to me is my best friend is absolutely heart breaking. Sometimes I wonder what's so great about her that I don't have. Then I remember that you're my best friend. It shouldn't matter what I feel as long as you are happy and I know that you are with her and that's what matters. It won't matter that I'm not good enough in whatever way. 

There are so many things that I want to ask but I know it isn't fair of me to ask. Like "why do you love me?" or "which one of us is more important?" You have no idea what I would do to be in her spot... But I know I won't ever be. I haven't been able to cuddle with anyone else after you. Why? Because it doesn't feel right or normal or even comfortable. Your personality is what I'm after more then anything. The way you look at me when you're telling a story or the way you laugh when I catch you off guard with a comment. Or the tone in your voice when you say I love you... I know I won't ever get to be in her spot and that's fine. Like I said as long as you are happy that's what matters to me. You mean the world to me and it makes me hurt so bad when stuff happens that I can't help. I don't want to see you sad or upset or angry. All I want to see you is happy. I feel so bad for writing all of this or even thinking it in the first place but damn I can't help it. I'm sorry for all of this and I don't even know if you'll ever actually get the chance to read it or not. But if you do, just know that I'm sorry. You mean the world to me and I don't ever want to disrespect what you have with another person in any way. But I hope you can see where I'm coming from. My box broke... And this is what's inside. 

You're attractive to me in so many different ways and I love you in so many different ways. I love you when yo're angry and when you're joking around or when you're messing with me. You're attractive when you talk about a memory or when you're doing work or even when you're just playing games. I love you and I want you so badly and I know I won't ever be able to have you in the way that I want you. You ask me all the time what I want to say and this is it. I want you in every possible way and I can't fucking have you. I get so irritated when she does things to you that make me and you question everything. I just... I want to show you how a King should be treated and I won't ever get the opportunity to do that. 

~Unsaid things to my best friend