Unsaid Things

Z.P.

I love you. I really do. And I wanted us to work when we were together. And it's a shame that it didn't. But I still love you... And I think deep down a part of me always will. You are the most intelligent person that I have ever met and your mind is a beautiful place. I'm so happy that yo share your 3am thoughts with me. I'm glad that you share your hopes and dreams and goals with me. I spent so much of my time thinking about you and i's a shame that I wasn't able to spend all that time with you. I'm glad that I have been given the chance to look into your mind and be a part of your life the way that I have been because I am so incredibly thankful for that. I'm happy that I have had the chance to lay with yo, sit and talk to you, have conversations with you, and be your friend. I'm happy that you dance in my thoughts and my dreams, I'm happy that I was able to make you happy, or make you smile, or make you laugh. I'm happy that I had the chance to meet you and to love you and to explore you. Please know that I will always love you and I will always have a special place for you in my heart and in my life. I have a special connection with you that I don't have with anyone else and I don't want that to go away. I hope you know that I still love you and I wish that I could shake these feelings as easily as you did. I'm sorry that I'm not what you wanted, I'm sorry that I wasn't enough. I'm sorry for loving you as much as I did or as deeply as I did. But when you hold me, lean your head on me, look at me with your beautiful eyes, or talk to me in the tone of voice you have, I feel all of those things again. And it's not bad, when I feel those things. I just know that all we will ever be is friends and part of me absolutely hates that. I want to be what you need or what you think about often. I want to be there for you when you wake up in the middle of the night and roll over. Or when you have a bad dream and need someone to talk to. I want to be that for you but I know I won't be. You make me feel safe and loved and appreciated. I love spending time with you and I hope we can do it more often because you make me so happy. I know my apologizing gets annoying and I know I do it to much, but the only reason I do it is because I have been made to feel like a lot of things are my fault by the ones I care about and love. I have been told I'm to annoying and I talk to much, which is why I mostly sit and listen when you talk. You're so intelligent and amazing, I'm so lucky to have you in my life. I would take a conversation with you over anyone else, any day of the week. Your mind is a truly wonderful and memorizing place. Earlier when you said "I don't know what you want" and I responded with "what I want, I cannot have" I want you and I always have, since the first day you messaged me my sophomore year. I can talk to you in a different way then I can talk to other people. I enjoy it. But I'm also scared to get close to you because I don't want you to grow bored of me and leave. I know that I won't ever be more then your friend but I still want to be a close friend. Someone you call when things get hard, you have a bad dream, you need a ride, you need someone to talk to, etc etc. I want to be that for you but I don't know if I ever will be. I just... I love you. And I'm so happy you're still alive...