Loki After Endgame: Cheating Death

Chap 26: Starry-eyed Healing

Kamilla:

When I open my eyes, I see Loki sitting next to my bed watching me carefully. He looks unusually tired and drained; his black suit is disheveled, his normally bright skin is sallow and his eyes are bloodshot as he sags against the metal chair pulled up to my bed.

When he sees me, he leans forwards his worried eyes suddenly alert, "You're awake."

I try to sit up, but a blinding pain hits me, and I gasp out in surprise. Cautiously I reach down to my side, remembering the arrow that pierced my stomach. "All I remember is losing a lot of blood. How am I still alive?"

"I've been channeling healing magic into you for the last few hours; since we left Knowhere." He sighs tiredly, "I've stabilized the wound and stopped the bleeding, but I need to rest before I can finish healing you." 

"Oh, okay.....thanks."

"It's the least I can do, since I put you in danger." His normally cocky voice is soft, and his eyes are downcast.

"Actually I was the one who put myself in-"

"Don't try to downplay what you did Kamilla. You risked your own life to save mine."

I give him a small shy smile, "That's what friends are for, Loki."

His regards me quizzically, "That's twice now, that you've saved my life."

I look him directly in the eyes, determined to make him hear the truth in my words, "And I'd do it again without hesitation, if the need arose."

He glances away from me, his eyes sharp with pain and shakes his head. "I don't deserve that." His voice is tinged with shame.

"Yes, you do."

He clenches his fists angrily, "No, I don't! I've done terrible things. I don't deserve anyone's mercy!"

"Everyone deserves a chance at redemption, no matter how far they've fallen." I respond soothingly.

"Not me, I'm a monster, I am the villain." His shoulders sag, and he adds bitterly, "Thor's the hero; you should have stayed with him."

I regard him carefully, my heart heavy with sorrow for him. His eyes seem to swirl with sadness and self-hatred as he stares at his soot covered black shoes.

"You are not a monster; your brother has already forgiven you, and so has your father." I pause to watch him, my voice entreating and soft, "I think you just need to forgive yourself."

Loki grimaces and is silent for a moment. When he finally speaks his words are so quiet and broken, that I have to strain to hear them. "I don't know if I can." He confesses hesitantly his words laced with sorrow. "I've done terrible things, that even you and Thor don't know about. There's so much rage and resentment at war inside me; I feel like I have to shove it down or it's going to explode out of me and destroy everyone and everything I care about." He grips the edges of his chair tightly, his knuckles turning white, "Deep down there is something dark and vicious just dying to claw its way out of me. I don't know how much longer I can keep it hidden."

Instinctively I want to reach out to him, but I'm in too much pain to move. "I'm sorry you feel that way Loki." I say gently, "But just because you have those thoughts and fears, it doesn't make them true. You're not evil, there is nothing wrong with you. You don't have to keep everyone away fearing your own self-destruction."

He shakes his head in dismay, and mutters, "But look what I let happen to you."

"This wasn't your fault!" I protest fervently. "You didn't let anything happen to me. You are not responsible for the decisions I make. It was my own damn fault for not wearing my armor!"