Transformation, the beginning

The end, 52

I feel like I'm floating, no pain, no sorrow or fear. I run across a huge field full of the most beautiful flowers. The grass tickles my feet and legs as I look over the beautiful view. We are high in the mountains, in the middle of nowhere. The sky is bright blue without clouds, just the sun shining. Behind me, I hear my mother calling me. 

"Cira, are you coming?" I turn and see my mother with Celly. She wears a white, long flowy dress and her hair is loose, blowing back in the wind. 

My brother is laughing while he kicks the ball to my mom. They both smile cheerfully. Everything is just perfect, so peaceful. I have never felt more at peace as I do right now.

Grace is walking out of the woods. She is smiling bright, she is wearing a short white dress and flowers in her hair. 

She makes a hand gesture to someone to come to her. 

Someone, wearing all black walks out of the woods as the sky suddenly turn dark. clouds cover the sun and rain start pouring down. The temperature dropped and everyone's smile disappeared. 

I look in the same direction as Grace does. Agus walks out of the forest. Pain and anxiety return when he looks me in the eyes.

 I walk backward, the ground changed from grass to stone. Before I know I'm on the edge and fall back. 

Everything goes black, I look around but there is no one. I'm all alone in a big dark cold place. 

Then everything falls away as if I fall asleep.

This happens again and again. Every time I feel happy something comes by to destroy it and make me go back to that cold dark place again.

"Madam, we're going to wash you."

"Madam, you will be visited."

"Madam, it's time for therapy." 

I hear this voice every day. It's a voice of someone I have never met. A young woman, I think. I look around, searching for the person the voice belongs to. But there is nobody, I am still alone in a large dark room. I try to call back, asking her where she is and why I can't get out of here but she doesn't seem to hear me. 

Sometimes I feel people around me, but I can see them. I can communicate with them in any way. 

There is just one person who holds my hand and keeps me company in silence. Making me feel like I'm not completely alone. I feel the presence. The person is just sitting in silence. Someone who lets me listen to music. 

I can't recognize all the voices I hear. Almost all of them sound the same. Yet I recognize my mother's. 

"Hey Cira," she always stops before continuing. As if she is struggling to talk.

"I hope you can hear me. I want you to know that I love you so so very much. I hope you get well soon." She's gone again. I want to reassure her and tell her that I'm fine, but I can't reach her.

What does she mean by getting better? I am not sick.

I feel like I don't exist like I'm a ghost, trapped in this dark place. I feel so powerless and lonely,I hate it.

I hear new voices again which I don't recognize. People who keep talking to me about what they are going to do today, what has happened at school. I can't respond, they are just voices in my head. I don't know what is real or what a dream. I like it when I hear people talking, but those are only small parts of the time that I am alone here. It feels like this goes on for forever, I feel so tired of trying to talk back to them. I need to wake up from this nightmare.