Short Stories

Uncertain

I may have the most promise future wise throughout my two other siblings, but I still find my future uncertain and stressful.

I am definitely the most respectable and rational kid in my family, and that's a good thing. But I'm a nervous wreck when I meet new people. I try to avoid conversation at every turn.

Anxiety is also a huge problem for me. It never seems to go away. I'm too self conscious. I'm too lazy, disorganized.

I need someone to hold my hand. That's not good. I have to be independent, I have to figure things out on my own. I can't be afraid to make mistakes.

I've treated my years in high school about the same as middle school. Show up, learn, do the work, and leave. Hardly any outside school activities. No social status. I'm just a ghost basically. I get acknowledged from time to time but that's it.

I don't even have a clue about what I want to be. A sports player? Writer? Gamer? Engineer? Other?

Honestly, sometimes I think about something killing me. I wouldn't have to deal with being uncertain at every turn, and I wouldn't have to deal with all my social shortcomings and insecurities..

I feel like ignoring everyone, blocking it all out. No writing, no speaking, socializing. Just silence. Peace.

I don't feel like talking to anyone publicly. Maybe privately, but.. who would want to talk to me. I have zero social status. Nobody knows who I am.

It would honestly be better if I was a ghost. If I was nothing, unseeable.

I search for answers, and ultimately end up with nothing.

I don't want to kill myself. I wouldn't go to heaven. At least, I'm told. But I don't want to go through this stress.

I'm overreacting. I'm fine. Stop overreacting. You'll be fine...

But I'm not, I don't feel fine. All I feel is just pure stress. Stress for my future. Will I be an average Joe that blends into the crowd, or will I be a nuisance. Cause goodness know I'm not gonna be a celebrity.

I wish I don't have this anxiety. I could be free, more open. No anxiety to hold the real me back. The quirky, unfunny, chill, respectable, rational guy.

One everybody would enjoy. That's why elementary was so easy for me. I wasn't as afraid to speak up, make friends. But ever since middle, I have been unable to talk with people.

Shut it out. All of it. Show some support quietly once in a while, and if someone wants to talk with you talk.

But take a break, rest your head. It'll be better that way. Free your mind.

I will. I do that in real life anyway, so why not?