Hamilton Soccer Moms AU

The Funeral

A/N: This chapter is based on a story my uncle told me... kinda.

"Alexader! There's a package for you!" Eliza yelled. Her voice was laced with confusion. The box was decked with small holes and Eliza only dare assume that they were breathing holes for some creature. 

"It came!" Alexander raced out of his office and stared at the package in wonder. "Philip! It came!"

"It came?!" Philip asked, rushing down the stairs.

"It came!" Alexander confirmed.

"What is 'it'?" Eliza watched the package in fear as it moved slightly.

Alex turned to her with a proud grin. "'It' is the cutest thing to exist on the planet."

"Don't say that around Chicken Nugget!" Eliza bent down to cover the dog's ears. "He's sensitive."

"Sorry, sorry. Second cutest thing on the planet." Alex opened up the package cautiously. Philip excitedly peeked in it.

"Dad, why isn't it moving?" Philip asked, reaching into the box and poking something.

"Would someone please tell me what 'it' is?" Eliza crossed her arms, still keeping her distance from the mystery package.

"It was a lizard." Alexander closed the box, his voice taking on a grave tone.

"Was?" Philip asked. "What happened to it?"

"Why is there a package with a dead lizard at our house?!" Eliza asked, tired of being excluded from whatever the heck was going on.

"Dead?! Why is our lizard dead? We didn't order a dead lizard!" Philip yelled.

"Why is there a lizard here in the first place?" Eliza and Philip both turned to look at Alexander for an explanation. 

"Well, a month or so ago, Philip was helping me think of some reforms that could be made to the soccer community. I was typing them out when this pop-up ad appeared. So, naturally, I clicked on it."

"And they were selling lizards! For only a dollar! From Texas!" Philip interrupted the story excitedly.

"Who could resist that offer? It's practically a free lizard." Alexander shrugged as if it was something that was absolutely out of his control.

Eliza placed her head in her hands. "A lizard... from Texas?!"

"Then my computer got this awful virus but that's beside the point," Alex added as an afterthought.

"Don't tell me you gave them our credit card number?"

"Do you really think I am that stupid?" Eliza continued to look at him, waiting for an answer. "No, I didn't give them our credit card. I just mailed a dollar to them and they sent us a dead lizard! But they did ask for our phone number..."

"You gave our phone number to a scam company?!" 

"It's not a scam company! They did give us a lizard."

"A dead lizard," Philip corrected as he took the limp corpse out of the box. "Don't worry little guy. Angelica and her barbie cult can resurrect you."

"Philip!" Eliza shrieked. "Put that thing down! It's crawling with diseases."

"I thought I told Angelica to disband the Barbie cult," Alex said with a long sigh.

"You can't stop us that easily!" Angie shouted from upstairs.

Suddenly, the phone rang. Eliza reluctantly picked it up. 

"Hello?... Uh, no. I think you have the wrong number... I don't live in Tamburkia... Ma'am, I have no clue what you are talking about. I'm certainly not royalty and none of my sons have left you an inheritance considering they are all under ten... Bye?"

"That didn't sound like one of your normal gossip sessions with Jefferson..." Alexander said, trailing off.

"It wasn't Thomas," Eliza replied, glaring at him. "I told you it was a scam company! Now they're using our number to convince people that there is some Tamburkian Prince that left them a large inheritance."

"I have a solution!" Alexander unplugged the phone. "We have I-phones. There's no need for a home phone."

"I guess..." Eliza turned to Philip, who had tied a string around the lizard's neck and was dragging it across the floor. "Philip! What in the world are you doing?"

"I'm taking my new pet on a walk." Philip smiled at her and continued mopping the corpse of the lizard across the floor.

"Philip... you do know that it's dead?" Alexander asked.

"Yeah, is there something wrong with that? Mom always says we should be nice to people that are different than us. So, I'm alive and lizard is dead. That doesn't mean I should treat it any different."

"Everyone remembers what I say at the wrong times," Eliza muttered under her breath.

"Well, your mother's right. Except we typically have a funeral for dead people so wouldn't you agree we should have a funeral for our beloved pet that we never got to meet?"

"I'll get the shovel!"

~17 minutes of digging a grave and making a gravestone later~

"Why are we mourning over a lizard that I could have easily resurrected in the first place?" Angelica asked, staring down at the mound of dirt.

"I've already told you, Angie. Killing a spider and watching its legs move after it died does not count as resurrection," Alex said.

"Whatever, non-believer," she said with a roll of her eyes.

"Everyone shhhhhhhh! You're being so disrespectful towards lizard. Dad, please do your speech," Philip ordered.

Alexander cleared his throat. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the life of the great Texan lizard. We may not have gotten to meet him or her but it is obvious that he or she would have been a superb pet. May lizard forever rest in peace."

Philip clapped and seeing their brother do it, Alexander Jr and James joined in.

"Are we done?" Eliza asked.

"Eliza, you could show at least a little sympathy!" Alex shouted dramatically.

Eliza picked a flower from the ground and placed it on the grave. "Rest in peace scam lizard." She turned to Alex. "Happy?"

"Very."

~Later that day~

"I have to go out. There's a soccer mom spa day today. The PTA organized it. You can deal with our cult leader and lizard obsessed children, dear husband." Eliza grabbed her purse and headed towards the door.

"I'm a soccer mom too! I'm coming!"

"I hate to admit it, Alexander, but you are not a soccer mom."

"I'm way more soccer mom than you'll ever be."

"Excuse me? Did you birth five children?" Eliza placed her hands on her hips.

"Yes, I mean no. But I did enroll one of those children in the soccer program and every day since I've strived to make said program better. Have you ever gotten in a physical fight with someone during one of Philip's soccer games?"

"No... have you?" Eliza asked, suddenly very concerned.

"I'd rather not delve into the details."

"Uh...we'll be talking about this at a later time. For now, however, I will be leaving." She went to open the door but Alex stood in her way.

"I'm coming."

"Thomas is gonna be there and since when have you been able to relax?"

"I am the king of relaxation! I'm the chillest, most relaxed person on Earth."

"Uh-huh, sure." She grinned. "If you can convince Peggy or Angelica to babysit then you can come."

"Deal!"