Last July

Chapter sixty two

I'm done:// phrase or term meaning to go Hell for all I care

Peter and Sarah left me at the train station and I walked in the opposite direction heading home. The ride the deafening silence becoming my pillow to my confused mind. My thoughts drifted hoping to find some security, some ground to stand on. My body went into passive aggressive behavior, blocking out everything around me, my antisocial behavior kicking into overdrive; rocking from thinking I could do this, maybe I should do this to thinking I can't handle this anymore.

My body rocked from side to side, almost stumbling as emotions of pain, doubt, regret crashed into different sides of my body. I wanted to be happy, but happiness didn't want me. I've tried yet always manages to fail and yet here I was at another cross road, confused, alone, disheartened. Conflicted my hands moved slowly to my door, eyes glazed over with fear and worry.

My world falling completely black and white again.

I didn't notice the balloons or streamers hanging from the walls, nor the welcome home sign that hung in the hallway leading to my room. It wasn't until I heard a male voice that my body seemed to roar to life again.

"Maverick!" I said my voice coming out frantic mixed with anger. " what the hell are you doing here? " I eyed him up and down. "How'd you even get in?"

" Hey kenzy " he said smiling ignoring the obvious fright on my face. "I had a key so.."

What! What key? My key? He had my key all along?

"A key? So you could've come here, all along? "

"Well, yeah but I didn't" he said moving towards me.

I stepped back, my feet wobbling beneath me as I desperately clammered for air.

"Are you okay?" He asked looking confused, I blinked a million times.

Why was he here?

What did he want from me?

He needs to leave now! Right now!

" No" I said shaking my head, my hair stinging against my perspirated face. "No I'm not"

He moved forward again and I held up my hand meeting the sofa. I was trapped, trapped with him and I was so scared. I didn't want him here, not here. Everything collided within me, sending memories I'd hoped to suppress back to my memory. Jessie, our time together, my pain right here on the floor.

Every memory wipped against my body leaving only open lascerations, wide deep and bleeding. Every memory leaving me weaker than the first. I felt tears dying in my eyes as my chest tightened.

I needed to breath, god, I needed to breathe.

"Kendall"

"You need to leave"

"Why? You're here now, I'm here" he said moving towards me even though I held out my hand to keep him at bag. "That's what we wanted. Time together"

"Please don't, just leave please"

"I took the time to see you, to wish you home. Why are you keeping me at bay" he said stopping to let my hand rest across his chest. I clawed at my throat, my feet threatening to pool beneath me, my shoulders falling tense and aching. "You told me I'd just be you. I want to be here, I'm here kenzy. Don't push me away"

"I don't want...." My voice trailed off, my breaths falling weaker, shallow, rapid. " I don't want you here"

"Is this a joke?"

" No" I said swallowing past another lump forming in my throat.

I thought things would be different when I finally saw him again, that we'd laugh, maybe, talk. That I'd be fine. But seeing him here, knowing he could be been here at anytime. I couldn't. I needed time to deal with this!