Off Limits

42. I Deserve Everything Happening To Me

I took it upon myself to latch my arms around Riley as she broke down. I felt like shit for multiple reasons, and I should've known better. It made me feel even worse hearing my sister talk about how disgusting I am and watching her cry for something that I did. I selflessly took an interest in her best friend, knowing how much she meant to her, but at the time, I didn't give a fuck.

I love Sam more than I've loved anyone in my life because not only is she my little sister, I treat her like a daughter. I'm always the one that she runs to when things go wrong, and I'm the reason for her tears. I've listened to her cry her eyes out when our parents were never around, and I fucked up any guy that rubbed her the wrong day.

How could I be so dumb?

Ever since we were kids, promises meant the world to her. She'd make me 'pinky' promise her and told me never to break it, and I did. Our parents broke so many promises, and I watched her cry so many times. They said they would come to her ceremony, her birthday, and trips we planned, but never showed up. And I doubt they'd come to her wedding. Manner, of fact, I know they won't because she's marrying Cameron.

And watching Riley cry and not being able to make it better hurt. I towered over her slouching position and pushed her head in my chest. She tried catching her breath but couldn't find the energy to do so.

"Riley," I muttered. I'm not good with trying to diffuse a situation, but it's our fault.

Once she was able to speak, she wiped her face and looked up at me. Her face was bright red, and her eyes swollen.

"I fucked up." She whined, her breath skipping.

I gripped my hands on both sides of her shoulders. "Look at me," I demanded, seeing her eyes unable to connect with mine.

She did what I asked and rapidly blinked her dark eyes. I still don't understand how she could even look beautiful as she cries. "We . . . fucked up. It wasn't just you." I said, trying to keep my composure.

"What am I going to do?" Riley asked.

I exhaled, keeping a blank look on my face as my eyes hung low. "Give her time; I know she'll come around. I don't know if I pulled my last string with her."

Riley pursed her lips, fighting whatever she wanted to say, but she couldn't push the words out.

I waited until she said, "Joey, I like you. And I really want to be with you. I'm also terrified you'll hurt me. Just please tell me I'm not crazy and you want me back." She intensely stared at me, waiting for my reaction, but I didn't have one. I didn't know what to say to her, but I knew it would break her heart either way. Panic mode washed over me as I remained quiet, swallowing the dry lump caught in my throat.

"Say something?" she cried out, blinking the steady stream of tears from her eyes.

I trailed off, staring into space as she kept eye contact. I know myself, and I know how I am and how I treat women. I also know that I don't ever want to hurt this girl because she brought out a different side of me that no one has before. I'm scared shitless that I'll somehow fuck up in the long run and resent me for life. I'm a piece of shit, and I have to hear about it every day because I never gave a fuck about whose heart I was breaking.

I never thought dating was in the cards for me. My parents, friends, even some women treat me like I'm worthless and I deserve it. I don't want to be the one to scar her for life and remain that pain for however long. This girl is fucking amazing, and she deserves someone ten times better than me. She deserves the world, and I can't give her that. She won't trust me, and I don't trust myself. As I look into her eyes, it hurts me. I'd hate myself even more if I hurt her. I don't know what it's like being in a relationship. I don't know what it's like to love anyone.

Not thinking, I blurted, "Riley, I can't do this. We can't do this. I've never really been in a real relationship, and I don't trust myself. I don't want to hurt you because I'm so fucked up. I'll never forgive myself if I treated you any way that wasn't perfect." I watched the sparkle that was in her eyes die, and her body went limp in my arms.

Riley dropped her shoulders and slowly backed away from me. "You don't mean that." She asked.

I hope she'd get over me and forget about what happened this summer. At least it wasn't two years like her ex, and I didn't waste all that time.

"I do, but it's because I don't deserve you. Sam's right . . . about me. I'm a piece of shit, and I'm doing us both a favor." I snickered.

She continued to cry, shaking her head as she shattered. I wanted nothing but to take the pain away as she did for me, but I can't make it worse.

What the fuck did I do?

She turned her face upward and gave me a sour look. "If you break this off with me right now, I'll never forgive you."

I focused my vision elsewhere and avoided her glare. Painfully to admit, I felt a tear trying to break through, but I fought it. I don't do this. I wet my lips and forced myself to say, "I'm sorry." I rapidly nodded my head and watched every light in this woman die in front of me. Before I changed my mind, I rushed outside.

I can't be next to her.

I can't have her.

I've ruined so much and so many people in my life. I hurt so many people that I regret every single day, and I hurt my own blood. I have no idea how I'm going to make Sam trust me again, but I'm going to try. I need her more than I do anyone else because she keeps me in check. She could barely fucking look at me, and I don't blame her. I didn't think it was that serious, and I figured I could work my way around it, but I can't.

I made choices that forbid me from certain things. It's something that I have to accept and figure out on my own.

I walked through the backyard, finding a path to run and clear my mind. I needed to lose myself in something to get over the way I felt. I have to force myself to stop thinking about her and let her find someone that treasures her the way she wants.

I deserve every single thing that's happening to me right now.