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45. Radio

ZANDER

The tugging in my chest won't go away.

I wanted it to stop. I wanted to stop feeling it. I didn't want to feel anything. All I could do is run. Run away from everything, just as I always did. I ran when my coven, my family, was attacked. I should have came back and fought with them instead. I ran from my responsibilities. I ran from what I was supposed to be. I'm hiding at the rooftop to run from the sight of the red stained knife. To run from everyone. I just want everything to stop. But being here only makes things worse. All the times we spent here together replays in my head.

She's still out there.

I know it.

No matter how much the voices in my head scream at me to face the possibility, I can't. This tugging feeling in my chest refuses and forces me to get out there and find her. I wanted it to stop because I'm afraid where it could lead me to.

Even before I met her, I felt something pulling me towards her. I don't know what it is, exactly. I just know that it's there and I don't know how to resist its control on me. I remembered being inside Orion's apartment, stuck as a cat, trying to sleep as he loudly watched TV. I had the strong urge to go outside, and that was when I saw her.

There was always that urge that made me want to be near her. At the beginning, I saw it only as a silly, school boy crush that I could brush off. I remembered thinking, so what if she was really pretty and smart and has adorable reactions when I drop gross pick up lines? So what if her laugh makes my heart want to cry just to hear it again? That meant absolutely nothing! I'll get over it!

And then, I didn't.

She broke my curse. I was turned back to my human form and the pull towards her became hard to ignore. She found out what I am, what I can do, and everything that I tried to escape. Instead of running, she stayed and helped me realize my true worth and capability. She'd mention how I follow her everywhere. It's not only because something forces me to, but because she makes me feel like I'm not the weak, useless boy that couldn't do anything right. I don't have to worry about getting things perfect all the time. I don't have to force myself to do things I didn't want to do. I could actually be myself and not feel bad about it. And that maybe, just maybe, I could actually have a life that I want. She made me feel like I actually mattered to someone.

Her and Orion showed me that I'm so much more than what the others said I was.

The moment I stepped a foot back in this awful place, I promised myself I would protect them. I wouldn't run away, just as I did during the attack that killed my mother. Even though she didn't care about me, I was still supposed to protect her and I failed. I can't let it happen again. I promised to become stronger for the people I care about.

And if I follow this unbearable pull and find out that I lost one of them, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

***

ORION

I had a feeling Zander would be at the rooftop. It became his and Astoria's favorite spot in the castle. They were here a couple of nights ago for another late night picnic. They said they wanted to count how many stars they'd see. For science. Obviously, that was just an excuse for them to be here alone.

Roman didn't have the stomach to eat and left dinner as soon as it started. I couldn't do it either. How could I when one of my best friends is possibly dead? We don't know if Astoria is really gone or not. Even though Zetta had obviously done something to her, it didn't mean she killed her. At least, I hoped she hadn't. Scooby said he will look for Astoria as soon as dinner is over and will report back tomorrow to let us know if she's still alive or not, depending if she's still at Queen's Garden or outside it. Nothing is certain right now. I can only hope for the best.