🔶 9 - Disappointment 🔶

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[Api's POV]

These past few days of my life, all I could hear is my dad, complimenting my big brother everytime he achieves something good. Heh, how I want for him to say the same thing to me... But, I'm not like my big brother Cahaya...

Indeed, I feel jealous, envying my big brother since he have it all. His medals, certificates, A pluses, and good comments from our parents. What about me? I received nothing but backstabs from my father that I'm just not that good enough.

It hurts, right? Your older sibling getting all the attention while you're just there, waiting for someone to actually notice you for who you are, who truly accepts for who you are. To be honest, it still pains me to this very day.

Is he really that arrogant nowadays? I'm sorry for that negative word but, that's what I can describe him everytime, and it just... hurts... saying and thinking those things about my big brother. I know I'm being judgemental about him, but, I just couldn't take it anymore...

I really wanted to go and approach him one day, but I don't know why I'm afraid to do it. Was it because I'm afraid he'll shut me up? Or, was it because he's now... different?

I do still, love him as my only big brother... But, does he still cares for me? Does he still loves me? Does he notice that excruciating pain I'm feeling nowadays? Does he...? Or did he just completely forget about my existence into this world?

I'm disappointed. I really am. And it breaks my heart everytime...

I miss those old days... I miss my big brother who'd just spend the rest of his life with me, but he's not that type of brother anymore... My big brother just happened to... change.

I was already satisfied with my big brother who doesn't stop loving me for who I am, and that's already enough for me to feel that he truly cares about me. But why? What happened to that big brother who supposed to be that kind of sibling?

I just hate this pain on my chest. I couldn't bear it any longer. It doesn't stop hurting me. And I feel like it's slowly killing me on the inside.

I guess... I can't change my big brother back, can I? Heh... If that makes him feel happy then, I won't be bothering him anymore.

Because, I don't want him to worry about me.

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"WHAT IS THIS!?" My mother yelled at me furiously, showing my test paper that's marked as 'fail' on it.

"WHAT IS THAT!?" She exclaimed once more, gripping on my test paper tightly while here I am, lowering my head down in shame while trying to avoid eye contact with her. "WHY CAN'T YOU DO BETTER!? WHY CAN'T YOU BE LIKE YOUR BIG BROTHER WHO'S DOING A GREAT JOB WITH HIS LIFE!?" She shouted louder, as rage took control of her and tore my failed test paper apart, making me whimper and trembled in fear.

Big brother, I thought. Yeah, how come I can't be like him? How come I can't do better like him? How come I can't achieve anything good like him? How come I can't receive any good comments from our parents like him?

I squeezed my eyes closed, clenching my fists tightly while trying to bear my mother's hurtful words and lectures to me.

But, one sentence from my mother made my life changed. Forever.


After that, she stomped away, exiting my room and slammed my door shut.

I then forced a smile, chuckling bitterly while a tear slid down from the corner of my eye.

'So, mom hates me now too?'


Is it just me or my chapters recently are becoming more and more boring unlike before?

Sorry if my chapters are kind of boring lately... Maybe I should change that...

And also, I apologize for being inactive lately... well, because of school that's for sure...

But, I hope I can get back up when my business in school are all finish, just so I could make it up to you guys...

Again, I'm sorry. And, I'll try to be active when I have the time.

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