Chapter 18
“How does it feel like to be smart?” Tanong ko kay Andrei. It’s Saturday at napag-usapan naming tumambay sa coffee shop. He said he’ll help me study. Malapit na kasi ang next exam namin. He’s doing his very best to guide me and I couldn’t be any happier. Knowing that he’s willing to spend his time for me is already enough.
Napaangat ng tingin si Andrei mula sa pagbabasa and looked at me with knitted brows.
“What kind of question is that?” Tanong niya. Napasimangot na ako.
“May different kinds of question ba?” I queried. Mas lalong nangunot ang mga kilay niya as he stared at me. Nagkatitigan kami for long seconds. Andrei was looking at me as if he’s trying to check my whole being. Ako naman ay nakatingin rin sa kanya, waiting for his answer.
But he suddenly laughed. So loud that some of the people here in the coffee shop looked our direction.
“I mean…” He paused to laugh a little more. Ano bang nakakatawa sa tanong ko? “Never mind.”
But fudge. Ang sarap pakinggan ng tawa niya. I feel so proud that I made him laugh. Pakiramdam ko napapasaya ko talaga siya, di bale nang magmukha akong tanga sa kanya. He already witnessed and seen my clumsiness, wala na akong maitatago pa.
“How does it feel to be smart? I feel burdened,” he mumbled. “People think I’m smart so they expect me to know a lot of things when I actually still have a lot of things to learn. And nakaka-pressure kasi tingin nila matalino ako so I don’t have any room for failures.”
Sa bawat araw na nakakasama ko si Andrei, mas lalong nagiging klaro sa akin kung bakit ko siya gusto. Kasi hindi lang siya basta gwapo. He’s a good-looking guy with substance. Sa tuwing magsasalita siya, malalaman mo agad na he’s smart. He’s so good at talking at marami akong natututunan sa kanya. I can also see how big his heart is. He’s just exactly who I want to marry.
Naks, marry agad.
“It sucks that I’m so afraid to fail,” he added. “Parang walang time para maglaro because I have to take everything seriously.”
“Pini-pressure ka ng parents mo?” I asked.
“No. My mom always tells me it’s okay to fail. My dad too. Pareho kasi silang nagkamali when they were young. They had me. Pero sabi naman nila, your mistakes will help you grow. They don’t pressure me to always do good. Kaso may mga tao pa ring ganoon kataas ang tingin sa ‘kin eh kaya napi-pressure ako.”
“Sino ba ‘yang mga taong ‘yan? Kakausapin ko,” I grumbled. I tried hard to sound tough pero pinagtawanan niya lang ako.
“Nah. It’s okay. Dahan-dahan ko nang pinag-aaralan ang art of ignoring people that don’t matter,” he stated with a hint of smile. “Ikaw? Di ka pini-pressure ng parents mo?”
“Actually, hindi. Sa simula pa lang kasi alam na nilang dumb ako so they don’t really give me a hard time. Ang importante lang naman para sa kanila ay ‘yong matuto akong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa, that I shouldn’t rely on people. Okay lang sa kanila basta ba may pangarap lang ako sa buhay.”
“That’s nice,” he commented.
“Hindi. Feel ko mas nice pa ring maging matalino gaya mo,” I responded.
“Not really.”
“Oo kaya-“
“Andrei?”
Sabay kaming napalingon ni Andrei sa babaeng nakatayo ngayon sa gilid ng table namin. Napatingin siya kay Andrei, saka sa akin.
I know her. She’s Kat’s best friend.
“Sam,” sambit ni Andrei. Kita ko sa mukha niya ang gulat and he can’t seem to take his eyes off the girl in front of us.
“How are you?” Tanong nito kay Andrei.
Andrei paid a quick glance at me. “I’m okay.”
“As in totally okay? Akala ko kasi it will take a long time before you can get over Kat,” she murmured. She even glanced at me na para bang ini-inspect ang buong pagkatao ko. “But looks like…”
Hindi naman nakasagot si Andrei.
“Alam na ba ‘to ni Kat?” She asked. Nakataas pa ang isang kilay niya. Matatakot na nga sana ako, but Andrei looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile, o kung ano mang ngiti ‘yon.
“She doesn’t need to know any of this, Sam. We’re over,” sagot naman ni Andrei. Nakangiti siya pero ramdam kong napipikon rin siya. “And also, we don’t talk anymore.”
“Well, of course you don’t talk kasi busy ‘yon. You know she's preparing herself for her application at Harvard,” the girl mumbled.
Bigla tuloy akong nanliit sa sarili ko when I heard about Harvard. Alam ko namang matalino rin ‘yong Kat. Halos magkasing-talino sila ni Andrei. Alam ko ‘yon kasi naging kaklase ko rin ‘yon.
Sorry naman kung hindi ako katalinuhan.
“Anyway, I have to go,” she said. As if namang interesado akong malaman. “And oh, I have Kat’s roaming number. Baka lang gusto mo siyang makausap. She doesn’t go online much kasi. She’s busy as I told you.”
Napatingin sa akin si Andrei, but I smiled at him to tell him I’m fine, that I’m holding back myself. Magaling naman akong magpigil ng pikon eh. Iyon ata ang isa sa mga talent ko.
“I don’t need that,” Andrei finally said. Wala naman iyong epekto kay Sam. Napa-smirk pa siya eh.
“Okay,” she muttered. “I’ll go now. Nice seeing you around, Andrei,” she said before finally leaving. Sabay pa namin siyang sinundan ng tingin ni Andrei.
“Sorry about that,” he mumbled.
“Okay lang ‘yon. Siguro nasanay lang rin ‘yong mga tao na si Kat ‘yong lagi mong kasama,” I replied.
“Yeah, I think so too,” sabi niya. Napayuko siya na para bang may malalim na iniisip. Kaya hindi na muna ako nagsalita and just waited for him to break the silence. Pero mukhang malalim talaga ang iniisip niya. Napapaisip na rin tuloy ako.
It has been months since Kat left. Ngumingiti naman ulit si Andrei, tumatawa at balik na ang sigla sa pag-aaral. Pero nakita ko kasi kung gaano siyang naapektuhan ‘nong umalis si Kat. Nakita ko kung gaano siyang nalungkot. At ayaw ko namang makita siyang malungkot ulit. Pero kasi, sa haba ng pinagsamahan nila ni Kat, imposibleng makalimutan niya ‘yon agad-agad. Imposibleng hindi niya ulit naiisip si Kat. She has become an important part of his life, at minahal niya ‘yon.
Ito ‘yong mahirap eh. When you have to compete with the first love. You don’t even know if you stand a chance kasi ‘yong first love, powerful at mahirap kalimutan.
Andrei looked up again and I saw that familiar look in his eyes. Sobrang pamilyar kasi ganoon ang nasa mga mata niya noong kaaalis pa lang ni Kat.
He’s not yet over her. I can feel it.
Pero wala na si Kat. Ako ‘yong nandito. I’ve been helping him to be happy again. Dapat nasa akin ang atensyon niya. Pero hindi ko naman kayang mag-demand ng ganoon. Sino ba naman kasi ako? Hindi pa naman ako ganoon ka-importante. Pakiramdam ko nga utang na loob ko sa kanya na kinaibigan niya ako. I think I have no right to complain.
Minsan talaga naguguluhan rin ako sa sarili ko. One second, ang positive ko na magugustuhan rin ako ni Andrei. And then the next second, pinapanghinaan ako ng loob. Ang hirap.
She’s his first love, he’s my first love.
First loves really have the power to make you happy and hurt at the same time.
I just hope this love I have for him will overpower the love he has for her.
