TW: Depression, self-harm, suicide
Chapter 34
"Wala nang Kat, Lei. She... S-she died three years ago."
Paulit-ulit 'yong bumalik sa isip ko. It was a shocking news for me. Kasi wala naman talaga akong alam sa nangyari kay Kat. I cut all my communication with my high school classmates, except Angel. I don't know if Angel knows about it too pero wala naman siyang sinabi sa akin.
Iniba ko na naman ang posisyon ko sa kama. Kanina ko pa 'yon ginagawa because I can't sleep. After hearing about what happened to Kat, nawala ang lasing ko. I actually don't know how I managed to walk away from Andrei earlier.
I checked the time and it's already 3:34 am. Masyadong maraming pumasok sa isip ko the moment Andrei told me that Kat died. It's preventing me to fall asleep.
Dahil hindi talaga ako makatulog ay napaupo na lang ako sa kama and looked at my roommates. Tulog na sila lahat. Naghihilik na nga ang ilan. Ako lang itong bukas na bukas pa ang mga mata.
I slowly stood up and took my gray hoodie to wear it saka lumabas. Maglalakad-lakad na lang muna siguro ako. Maybe it'll help me think about things.
Agad na bumungad sa akin ang malamig na simoy ng hangin. Wala nang tao sa paligid. It was so quiet.
Nagsimula akong maglakad papunta sa shore and looked at the starry night.
Ang ganda.
I would like to appreciate its beauty but I got a lot of things in mind.
How did Kat die? Was she sick? Naaksidente ba siya? Was Andrei with her when she died? Noon galit ako sa kanya kasi iniwan niya si Andrei, tapos bigla na lang siyang bumalik to claim him back. But now that I knew about what happened to her, I couldn't help myself but be sad.
Pero bakit iyon agad ang sinabi ni Andrei sa akin after saying he loves me? It's confusing the hell out of me. What does that have to do with him loving me? Did he think about going back to me because Kat's gone now? Second choice na lang ba ulit ako kasi wala na 'yong una niyang minahal? Kaya ang hirap paniwalaan 'nong sinabi niyang mahal niya 'ko eh. Ayaw kong paniwalaan 'yon.
I don't want to be an option again. I don't deserve it.
Naupo na lang ako sa buhangin. I still don't feel like going back to our room. Mas makakapag-isip ako dito. Babawiin ko na lang ang tulog ko kapag aantukin na 'ko.
I could only hear the sound of the waves. I could feel the cold breeze. Buti na lang ay naka-jacket ako kaya hindi ako masyadong nilalamig.
Tahimik lang akong nakamasid sa langit when I heard someone walking. Lumingon ako sa likod ko and saw his retreating back.
"Andrei..." I saw him stopped walking.
I should talk to him. I should ask him things. I should clear everything.
I should have my closure. Maybe it's just what I need.
Dahan-dahan siyang lumingon sa akin. I could see the sadness on his face. Kung ano man ang dahilan 'non, I really don't know.
"I'm sorry. I was just-"
"We need to talk," I cut him off. Nabigla siya sa sinabi ko pero agad ring nakabawi.
Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa harapan as I heard him nearing me. Tahimik siyang naupo sa tabi ko.
Saglit na bumalot ang katahimikan sa amin.
"Marami akong tanong sa isip ko ngayon," I said. "Marami akong tanong na ikaw lang ang makakasagot."
Pareho lang kaming nakatingin sa harapan namin.
