Back to back

Kiss the pain away

"Sehun, I'm very sorry, but I have to talk to Jungkook," I said to a popular EXO member. 

I saw him nod, but his face was evidently disappointed. 

Before I started walking towards my "ex-boyfriend", I remembered Jisoo's words from this morning:"Lisa, you have to tell him how you feel, you have to tell him why you did what you did. I'm sure he'll understand. 
Doesn't it hurt you to hear how he suffers every day? And do you enjoy the pain yourself? Now that the Boss took care of a sasaeng, give your relationship another chance. Don't let him go, or you might regret it later."

She was right. I had to, at least, apologise and tell him how I feel. Even though I was not sure that he would want to see me ever again, I had to try.

I kissed him, but he didn't return the kiss. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't hurt because of that. 
But I tried to understand, he probably was very angry at me for leaving him without an explanation, never answering his calls or texting him back. 

After telling him what was on my mind, I thought that I would feel more at ease - but guess what? I didn't. My heart ached by looking at his sad doe eyes. 
I couldn't wait for his reply, it was too overwhelming for me, so I decided to leave. 
I decided to leave without giving him a proper explanation, because I didn't want to break into tears in the middle of the club. "Maybe it was never meant to be," I thought. 

I exited the club while trying to wipe away the tears that were streaming down my face. I was crying. Again. 

"Lalisa Manoban! Stop!" he ordered. I could clearly hear his frustrated voice.

I halted. "Should I turn around or should I leave? Should I give him a reason more to hate me?" that's what I thought. "But you love him, you silly idiot," I reminded myself. 

But before I could turn around, his strong yet gentle arms back hugged me, making my heart beat even faster.

"Jungkook," I breathed out his name while inhaling his warm fragrance.
I wanted us to stay this way forever, just the two of us, hugging and me feeling loved and protected, but I knew that our reality was way more complicated. So, I turned around, ready to face the consequences of leaving him heartbroken. 

Like I predicted, he was blaming himself for what happened between us. I smiled sadly at him and decided to finally embrace what the fate had in stock for us. 
If he leaves me, it's fine. I will live, I will survive, even with my heart being shattered into tiny little pieces. 

I told him everything, from the start to the end, only to see how his loving expression changed to the disappointed one. I knew it...he was probably going to hate me for hiding this all from him, for pushing him off the edge, into despair.