Make it with you (Completed)

13: gibel

Chapter 13: gibel
(n.) not death, not suicide, but simply ceasing to exist; deteriorating in a way that is painful for others.

A/N: Read at your own risk. There are parts that may be triggering, and I am not trying to romanticize mental illness. This book does not aim to hurt anyone, but only to express, since I am also in a very dark place. Amidst the pandemic, stay safe and wash your hands always! Have a good day everyone. :)

Staring into the ceiling has been one of my hobbies lately. I could not really play with phone since I'm avoiding Tharn and if I saw his message, I would no doubt reply to it.

I suddenly miss the comfort of the bed since I'm currently laying at Techno's hard sofa. And I should probably sleep now. Good thing is that, I only have one exam tomorrow and I could immediately go to Tine and sleep in his apartment.

After hours of listening to the deafening silence, I could still not sleep. I haven't got any sleep. My thoughts are silent but it made my heart beat in melancholy, and this time I realized that emptiness could also be heavy.

Falling in love is exhausting especially your lover is handsome and your relationship is a secret. I know that I should tell No, but I always get tongue tied. I just want to have a moment of peace. I cannot balance my school, soccer, relationship and family business anymore. It's too damn much and I suddenly felt so full that I want to burst. And I did.

Tears cascaded down my cheek, and my heart hurts. I put the pillow on top of my face, sobbing quietly. I do not know what these feelings are, maybe it is all of the negative feelings combined. I felt like a disappointment, betrayed, stressed, regret and overwhelmed. I bit my lip and suddenly tasted blood.

After a few minutes, I feel nothing. There it is again, the emptiness and numbness. It is coming back again; it has come back to haunt me. Relapse. I should have brought my medications and went into my therapy sessions.

Will it swallow me whole today?

No. I took a deep breathe and wiped my tears.

I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay.

I repeated, but sleep has not claimed me.

At 7 AM, I decided to text Techno that I would leave. As I turned on my phone, there were 21 missed calls and 34 unread text messages, all from Tharn. I just stared at it, then turned my phone off again. Just then I realized that I have no spare clothes and undergarments since I wore them. I guess I'll just wear my denim pants from yesterday and just wear the shirt I am wearing now.

When the exam finished, I didn't bother eating breakfast with Techno and went straight home. Then I saw Tharn near the parking lot of the condominium with the guy who stole my chocolate mousse. Tharn looks so happy, that I just stood frozen. Suddenly, I remembered what Tharn told me about his recent ex, the one who went into our apartment when I pranked him. His exes really love him.

When he saw me, his brows furrowed and it hurt. He was smiling with another guy while he was glaring at me. Then the other guy held his chin and kissed him... I pretended to not notice and went straight to our unit and took a quick bath. Then, took my backpack out and prepared some clothes since I'm going at Tine's.

"Ai Type, where have you been? You didn't reply to my texts and answered my calls yesterday. I was worried." I just kept my face blank. I don't want to talk to Tharn since I know that my words will just hurt him. however, my emotions took hold.

"Worried? I don't think so. You looked happier without me bothering you." I said my thoughts out loud, and I shouldn't have.

"What do you mean, Type? Is this because we haven't seen each other these days? I don't understand." He looks so lost and confused.

"Just leave me alone. Just date and flirt with your new guy. You seem to be enjoying his company." I grabbed my backpack and attempted to leave when Tharn held my hand.

"I don't flirt with him. He's just a senior. You're the only one I like Type."

I just stared at him blankly. "I want to be alone for a moment and I won't be coming home here."

"Is that what you want?" No. Yes. I don't know.

"Yes."

"I'll give you time then. I'll... just wait for you to come home." Then he let go of my hand. This is what I want, right? Then why does it hurt so much?

Before my thoughts could stop me, I left.

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I know Tine's apartment, so I decided to go there directly. Good things is he gave me a duplicate key since according to him, "I may get lonely and miss his handsome face." I won't admit it, but I want to see him. He's the only one who knows my problems and understands my condition.

When I entered his apartment, I saw him laying down with a guy on top of him... he pushed the guy away, and the guy looked annoyed, but still handsome. Dad will be stressed when he will find out that me and Tine are wives instead of husbands.

"Ai Type! You didn't tell me you were coming. I thought it was tomorrow." The guy is still staring at me and I want to say that he should calm down since I'm only a cousin.

"Good evening to you too, Tine. Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend?"

"Um... Type, this is my friend... Sarawat. Sarawat, this is my cousin Type." I just smirked knowing that they are not just friends. Friends do not lay on top of each other.

"I should probably go, it's late." Sarawat stood up and walked through the door. "Goodnight Tine." Then he nodded to me, and Tine just smiled awkwardly. Where did my confident cousin go?

When Sarawat left, I raised my eyebrow at Tine. I was lowkey regretting coming here late since Tine was about to get laid. I just let the subject go, and went to sit in his bed.

"Are you okay?" Tine saw behind my mask immediately.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be?" I mustered a fake smile.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I just stayed silent. The heaviness came back again, as well as the thoughts I tried to suppress. You shouldn't have disturb Tine. He has a life, and it does not only revolve around you. You really are a nuisance to everyone. Just disappear.

In my silence, Tine found his answer and hugged me tightly. Without thinking, I just cried, and cried and cried, until there was no tears left to cry.