THE LAST LETTER

Cʜᴀᴘᴛᴇʀ 30 // 𝐼 𝑗𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝑑𝑖𝑒𝑑 𝑖𝑛𝑠𝑖𝑑𝑒

《So, before you go,
Was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?
If only I'd have known you had a storm to weather.

Before you go - Lewis Capaldi》

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As I held onto the last letter in my trembling hands, thousands of thoughts and feelings rushed into my mind. Love, hate, anger, grief, hope and fear swiveled around in my head, intensified by my uneasiness. I don't think I can explain enough the emphasis of what I was feeling. I was a step away from finding out the truth about why Rachel left. Fuck! I don't even know if that's what is written in this letter, the reason for her departure.

My breaths became shallower and my head was a mess of thoughts. What could've it been, she'd written in that last line? She was what? That couldn't decipher what she wanted to say. I knew everything about her life as she knew about mine. Was there some part of her life that I didn't know about? She said she loved me. Then why did she leave? Why the breakup? Why Rachel? Why? Why? Why?

I look down at the last piece of the letter in my hand. I was scared shitless, but I had to know the truth, so I gathered the last ounce of courage left in me and started reading it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

5th July 2015

Dear Lucas,

I can't actually tell you why I'm writing this again because I really hope that this never gets to you.
I never had time to show you just how much I really did love you. But all these letters I've written for you, all these years, will always remind you of my intense love for you.

You were the person I knew I could turn to whenever I needed someone. You were the person I looked at when I needed to smile or wanted a hug. You've shown me how to live after my dad left & you're the one who taught me how to be truly happy. I want you to know that every time I smiled, you've put it there on my face. You made me feel loved when others couldn't & you made me feel warm when I was cold.
You've shown me so much love and so much more. I want you to know how much you mean to me. I don't know if you'll ever get this, but I need you to know that I love you & I mean this more than I ever did before. You're the boy of my dreams, the love of my life, my whole world & I love you with all of my heart. And I'll love you for forever and ever. And about the vows we took,
Trust me when I say this that I never wanted to leave you and go, but I had to. Lucas, I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, and it's a genetic disease that runs in my family. You remember my father passed away due to a cardiac arrest, right. Well, it wasn't anything new. My grandfather died due to it. The only difference is Grandpa died old, but Dad died young. It was sudden, without any visible symptoms. But the symptoms have started to show in me. You remember last to last week, how I fell down unconscious and at the dance, how I was breathing heavily due to lack of oxygen. Well, my mum took me to the doctor, and we received the reports on the same day of Grandma's death. That's the reason we'd to move to California, but I still don't know why, when I'm going to die just like dad and everyone else.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this and broke your heart, but I thought that breakup would be better grief rather than my death would've taken a part of you away. When you said me today that you didn't want to see me ever again, it hurt me a lot, but I'm glad that I made you hate me so much that you finally let me go.
I don't know if you'll ever find this and even if you do I'll be probably dead by then, so consider this as my last Letter to you Lucas James. And about the vows we took together, I want to continue it further, "Till death do us apart." I love you.