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Evan's Journal

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EVAN WOLFE

Wednesday 21st April

I've been told I should start a journal to track my progress... I find it so hard to write things down because my mind feels like a car crash all the time that I don't even know what I'm feeling or what to say

Rose who is my doctor has given me four sessions since I came last week, the talking is slow. She wants me to build up to talking through my problems rather than just saying them all at once which I admired. I was worried I would get upset but yet I haven't. She sets up a safe space for us to talk and I feel comfortable

They've also put me on a different dose of antidepressants after I was examined and so far I haven't felt much different but they say that it takes up to a month to feel some kind of change

They tell me I'm not an immediate threat to myself or others but they're cautious due to my self harm marks and noted suicide attempts. I knew I had to be honest if I wanted to recover properly and start fresh. I'm trying my hardest to be positive because that's the mindset I need but sometimes I find it hard because... well it's just hard

Sunday 25th April

Today I was allowed visitors, Caleb, Ava and Jaxon all came to see me which was nice but at the same time it felt awful knowing that they were seeing me like this. That they had to come to a hospital to see me... but I try to push that to the back of my mind because I know they won't care about that. They just want to see me better

When they left I just wanted to go with them, being away from them feels difficult. Sleeping in a bed that isn't mine is the worst. I have a room to myself which is nice as it's my own space but it feels so clinical, it didn't feel homely. But then I'm sure Caleb can read my mind which is impossible because our bond was gone and our ability to mindlink wasn't there anymore but when he turned up today. Oh my god, he came with plant pots and a mixture of paintings he had painted. Floral prints, animals and patterns. Colourful and full of life

I shed a few tears because I couldn't believe he knew me so well. When we came to visit the hospital before I was admitted, we looked at the rooms but I didn't dare say anything about the lifelessness of them. Caleb must have seen the look on my face and tried to make me smile

It did. He did.

I miss him already.

Wednesday 6th May

Two days ago I made a new friend, their name is Keegan. They told me that they are non-binary which means their pronouns are they/them. I've never met anyone who is non-binary before and I was worried I would use the wrong pronouns but all I see Keegan as is a person and not any other labels

We've spent a lot of time together already which is nice because I didn't want to not make any friends. When we had lunch yesterday I saw their scars on their wrist and it gave me chills because I've never seen it on anyone else. Except Keegan's was a lot worse than mine, they looked deep and raised and it made me feel sad

Keegan and I never spoke about our pasts or our struggles, there was no need to say "Hey, what's your story? Why are you banged up in this mental place?" Because there was literally no need, instead we got to know each other. That's when I learnt that Keegan could speak multiple languages and loved watching Japanese movies