Revealed [[KNJ]] 18+ ✔️

36

"Namjoon," Hana said as calmly as she could, "If you don't let me hold my own cup, I am going to shove it up your ass,"

Namjoon rolled his eyes, "I don't want you to wear yourself out,"

"I'm not an invalid," Hana said, "I'm pregnant and no one else knows that so stop acting like this!"

"No one is around,"

Hana groaned, "Did that knock on your head make you like this?"

"No. They said I had no damage," Namjoon smirked and looked at his watch, "Can you come with me?"

"Are you going to let me carry my own cup?"

"Yes,"

"Good. Where are we going?" Hana asked following him out of the kitchen, "Anywhere good?"

"No," He said, "My office. I...I have my first session with the psychiatrist,"

"Are you sure you want me in on your first session?"

"Yes. It was the only way for me to agree to this. I need you there, ok?"

Namjoon opened the door and Hana saw his hand shake as he pushed it open. She wanted to hug him and hold his hand, telling him that it would all be ok but she knew that he needed to do this alone.

"Ah, Mr Kim," The man said, "Please, take a seat and we can get started,"

Namjoon dropped onto the sofa and pointed to the armchair, "You. Sit,"

"I see," The man said, "From what you have told me, the controlling nature is strong. Correct?"

"It is,"

"Before we start, you can just call me Junho. I'd like this to feel as comfortable as possible," He smiled, "Tell me where you first noticed your controlling behaviour,"

Namjoon rubbed the back of his neck, "Since I can remember. The way I was raised. It has always been there,"

"How you were raised?"

"I was taught to never show emotion because it can make you be seen as weak," Namjoon said, staring at the table, "It was a hard place to grow up. Going to meetings with my parents, avoiding my brother and having to bury my dog in pieces,"

"Did you receive any love from your parents?"

"What's that supposed to mean?" Namjoon said, almost snapping.

"Namjoon," Hana said.

"Fine," Namjoon said, "Yes. My parents loved me. They gave me everything. Anything I needed or wanted, I had,"

"And your brother?"

Namjoon clenched his fists, "My brother. He wouldn't know what love meant even if it punched him in the face,"

"Can we talk about your brother and what he did to you and your family?" Junho said, "Of course, you don't have to if you aren't ready. We can focus on something else for the first session,"

"No. I...I need to talk about him and what he did," Namjoon said, "Everyone who got close to him or he took a dislike to ended up dead. After he killed my dog, it became clear that he wasn't sane. There was something so...scary about him. His eyes were so cold and almost dead. He wasn't to be trusted,"

"I see,"

"He attacked my mum and didn't care that I had shot him," Namjoon said, "He begged me to shoot him again. He was released from the hospital and he had made friends in there. Older than me. A few years I would say. I was 15 I think when..."

"You don't have to carry on,"

"I need to," Namjoon whispered, "They broke into my room. Yugyeom had learnt how to pick locks and he told his friends to hurt me. They were bigger and stronger than me. My brother laughed as they forced themselves onto me. When they were done, they just laughed and left me lying in my own blood. Yugyeom carried on laughing and I was too hurt to move. When my parents came home my mum screamed at what she saw. I had passed out but they told me that Yugyeom was playing with a dead cat he had found in the garden. My dad had never raised his hands to us but he punched him in the face,"

"I'm sorry to hear that,"

Namjoon shrugged, "It happened but since then I shut off all emotions. I had my anger. I had my lust. But nothing else,"

"And the control?"

"I lost all sense of control when those men hurt me. I felt weak. Control is the only thing that makes me feel strong," Namjoon said, "I need control so nothing bad happens again,"

"And do you think something bad will happen to you again?"

"Not just to me," Namjoon said, "Control is important to me. I have to know that I am in control at all times. I don't want anything bad to happen to me,"

"Who else?" Junho said, "Your family, friends, colleagues?"

"Yes," Namjoon nodded, "I might be a coldhearted asshole but I do care for my friends. But..."

Hana subtly wiped her tears away and when she looked up, Namjoon was staring at her.

"But Hana," He said, "I want to protect Hana."

"Your reason?"

"She made me feel again," Namjoon said, letting out a shaky breath, "Before I was hurt, I used to have fun. I smiled, I laughed and I felt. Then I shut down. Then this one came along and that was it. I became scared. She made me feel things that I hadn't felt in years and it...shit, it fucking scared me,"

"Do you know why it scared you?"

"I had been numb for so long," Namjoon said, rubbing his face, "I forgot how it felt. How free I could be and I needed to control those feelings or I would become weak again,"

"Love doesn't make you weak, Namjoon," Junho said, "I understand how you might think that but love makes you stronger. You have overcome many traumas in your life and you are not weak,"

"But-"

"Hana has made you who you are today," Junho said, "You may not have known each other for years but it is obvious that you both care for each other. Namjoon, you have opened up your heart and it scares you. Hana will help you heal but you need to stop being in denial. You need to heal yourself as well,"

"Our relationship is toxic,"

"True,"

"I do love her but right now, we aren't compatible,"

Hana's bottom lip trembled and tried not to cry too loudly.

"You aren't compatible this moment in time," Junho said, "Before you can work on a relationship you have to work on yourself. That can be said for both of you. Trauma plays a big part in both of your lives. Different, of course, but trauma all the same. I believe you need to take control of your emotions before you take control of Hana. It may take some time but if you are willing to improve on that and learn to cope with those traumas, then your relationship will be stronger,"

"I...I don't want to hurt her anymore," Namjoon said, "She...we...we are going to be parents,"

Junho smiled, "Congratulations. Are you both happy?"

"Yes," Hana said.

Namjoon smiled gently, "I am very happy. I can't explain how happy I am. I'm just scared to become a parent and I'm scared to hurt her,"

Junho nodded, "Becoming a parent is scary. There are so many worries that will go around your head but you aren't alone. You are both scared and you need to work together to make it work,"

"What if-"

"No what if's," Junho said, "Becoming a parent is a gift. Concentrate on healing as well. It is important to be a good role model...even if you are the boss of The Red Devils. A child will make you stronger as well,"

Namjoon nodded and looked over at Hana who was crying quietly, "I'll do my best for Hana and our baby,"