Loving Lakyn | ✓

[45] Goodbye

L O V I N G
L A K Y N

IT HAS BEEN a few days since my mother dropped that bomb on me. She has given me space to come to my decision on my own terms.

It was hard during that time period not to close myself off to everyone and everything and return to my old habits, because that is what I resort to usually. When things get difficult, I go back to old Lila because I feel safe as her. I feel comfortable. Knowing that I can be mean and still adored gives me power, it makes me feel protected. But, rather than doing that this time around, I talked.

I told Lakyn everything. He first hand knows how terrible it is to experience a divorce. It hurts. It is growing up with two people whom were meant to unconditionally love each other but failed to do that. Lakyn said, and I quote, "you don't fall out of love. If you do, then you never loved them."

Despite him saying it, it is something that I have always believed. When you lose someone or vice versa, the excuses are always; "the timing was off" or "I fell out of love/lost feelings" but personally, I think that is pathetic. Harsh, but true, nonetheless. Timing is an issue, but if you really love each other that deeply, it can work. If it does not then it is nothing to do with timing, but self-control instead.

The thing is, I do not know why I am mad. My parents' marriage was just a disaster waiting to happen. They are too different, too selfish. But seeing as they are filing for a divorce just adds to the concept that love is not real, or maybe it is, but it is rare, not the font everyone puts on.

After talking to Lakyn for what felt like hours, I felt decently okay. Though, he did not tell me whether I should or should not go with my mother, he said that decision should solely be mine, which I suppose is fair.

The next few days I took a step back and kept to myself a lot. A divorce is a lot to process, especially when it is so sudden. I have rarely experienced my parents fight, but now it all makes sense. Mother has not been home for very long, but the lack of affection is definitely there. Everything seems so strained between them now, and I notice it even more because my father is not aware that I actually know.

The hardest part of all of this, surprisingly, was coming up with a conclusion. Do I stay with the money-greedy parent whom cares about nothing but having complete and control at all times, allows me no rights unless they benefit him, and is terribly selfish. Or do I flee to England with my severely mentally unstable mother whom could unfortunately potentially relapse at any time and leave me for the millionth time? They both have positives and negatives. I am leaning more towards going with my mother, but that also means being alone in a new country with someone whom is not exactly stable nor trust worthy at times.

But, also, going with my mother would mean going to the London College of Fashion.

I am indecisive. I simply cannot decide because I know that nothing ever turns out how I wish.

I am scared.

But that is exactly why I came to Hale. He is always there, even when he is busy, he always manages to makes time for me.

I laid down on his bed directly next to him, staring up at the white ceiling. He only just managed to wake up at approximately one-thirty-two in the afternoon. In that time, I was able to get up, put all his clothing away, tidy up a little, and then have a long hot shower and pull myself together.

Eden is aware of the circumstances. About my mother, I mean. But much like Lakyn, she does not have a say, she just wants me to do what makes me happy, but it is deeper than that. This is more than just happiness and following your heart.