Emancipation

sixty one

It's been six days since we visited Dr Green. She's supposedly the best gynaecologist in the city, and I would want to believe that if she was proposing me with some positive news, but so far all she had done was run a surgical test, and had asked us to wait for at least a week for any conclusive results.

To say I was heartbroken was downplaying it. It has been more than a week, yet it feels like I'm living a nightmare every single day. If that isn't enough, I am making things harder for James without intending to. The first few days were the hardest. I didn't have the strength to speak to him, or the words didn't seem enough. Even when I did speak, I ended up saying all the wrong things which made me overthink every time I opened my mouth to talk again.

But then I couldn't bear seeing him in pain. We were hurting. We've been hurting, both of us, but the waiting of knowing results from this second opinion has been killing me. I want to say that I am not hopeful, mostly because all of it has been crushed but there's a small part of me that wants to believe in some alternative that I don't have to give up so soon.

"Okay, is she serious? She needs to go for the bad brother, he's the obvious choice." Caleb shouts at the screen and I turn to my left as he passes the ice cream tub to my right.

"I kind of the like the good brother, he's only superficially nice, but actually bad." Jeremy contributes, gobbling the chocolate chip ice cream as I narrow my eyes at the two of them.

We told our families. Three days ago. When it had been a week that James and I didn't step a foot at Clark Enterprise, Carrack barged in the apartment demanding an explanation from his son. I knew he was furious at first, but it's painful to see everyone's disheartening reaction when we break the news to them.

Jeremy had been home since the weekend but I refused to meet him, despite James insisting that it might be a good idea. Similarly, I had been insisting for him to go to work. I knew my salary was being cut each day I took off, but I needed a little more time to face the world. The company wasn't stopping with my absence, whereas the same couldn't be said about James.

So, we struck a deal last night. He promised to go to work if I would spend the day with Caleb and Jeremy, both of whom had been on his ass to meet me because I wasn't directly communicating with anyone.

"Is there anything you need?" Caleb asks me, his eyes filled with worry.

I shake my head, "No. Thanks for being here, both of you."

"Are you sure you want to eat ice cream and watch this movie instead of talking?" Jeremy's face pretty much mirrors Caleb's.

"I really don't want to talk about it."

Both of them exchange a look, nod at me and go back to watching the movie. I might have agreed to let them baby-sit me, even though James promised that's not what this is but I am not talking about it. I know he's scared for me. He's afraid I'll break.

I wish I could say he's wrong, but he really isn't. I'm hanging by the thread, my thoughts ruminating each second to how my worst nightmare is coming true. I didn't know how easy it was to disconnect yourself from the surroundings and get lost in your thoughts, but apparently, it's very much possible.

My mother has been worried the most, and I want to meet her, but she's one person who's capable of making me want to talk about it, apart from my husband. With James, it's getting better. We're both trying to let each other in. It has taken me some time to understand that I'm not going through this alone, as much as I'd like to believe that.

He was going to be a father too, and he lost that just as much as I lost the chance of being a mother.

When the credits of the movie roll in, Caleb gets up from the couch, going to the kitchen and I turn to Jeremy.