God of Speed's Redemption

Chapter 36

Caitlin didn't say a word to him the whole way. He almost suggested that he could speed them to Jitters, but something from her posture held him back. He walked quietly beside her, hands in his pocket.

She didn't look at him when they ordered their coffees. It wasn't until they sat down. When the waitress set their coffees down on the table, she clasped at it. Her fingers curling around the mug tightly. I couldn't stand the suspense much longer anymore.

"Caitlin if you have something to tell me—"

She interrupted me. "First of all I just want to thank you again. It must have been hard betraying your friend like that."

I looked away from her gaze. Talking about Frost was still a hard topic for him. The look on her face when she realized that he betrayed her...it was an image etched into his mind and he has been trying very hard to push it away.

"Yeah, it was," I told her through gritted teeth, unconsciously gripping my mug as well.

She glanced at my hands, a flash of concern rippling over her face.

I mustered my face to look neutral. I normally was good at not displaying emotions but he could feel it slowly getting out of control.

"There's something I have to get off of my chest." She finally said and took a sip of her coffee. He noticed that her hands trembled a bit but I kept my face cool. I waited for her to continue.

"I went to my mom for help because I wanted a more permanent solution and she succeeded in making a permanent cure."

I froze all over. My lips in a tight line. "Tell me you didn't take it," I said in a low voice, almost growling.

Caitlin bit her bottom lip. "I can't tell you that because that would be a lie."

I closed my eyes for a moment and took a shaky breath. Honestly, he didn't know why he was affected so much by her news. Frost was getting out of control—he had helped get rid of her by betraying her but now...

"Say something. Please." Caitlin murmured her voice almost a whisper. "Your silence is not helping. I expected you to get angry and yell at me—"

"Why?" That was all I asked but she understood what I meant. Why had she taken the cure? Why hadn't she told him earlier? Why had she asked her mom for this? Although Caitlin knew that deep down, Savitar already knew why.

"I have been living in fear and dread for a long time—wondering when I will lose control. When I wake up, the first thing I do is check if I'm still me. I couldn't live like this any longer. It was torture. And when I had finally lost control and Frost took over me..." her fingers curled into fists. "She hurt Joe, Savitar. If you and my friends hadn't stopped her if it was too late...who could she have hurt next? An innocent person? Barry? You?"

"Cait—"

"She had to be stopped, Savitar. Permanently. Before she could do something like this again. Before I lose control again."

I looked at her for a long moment, a pit forming in my stomach. I felt my jaw clenched and when I looked down at my hands, they were balled into fists. Although he didn't know if it was from anger, disbelief, or shock. His emotions were all knotted into a tie that couldn't be untied easily. He slowly unclenched his fists.

Caitlin was looking down at her coffee, not meeting his eyes. She expected him to be pissed at her. That was what she had said earlier. I didn't feel any anger towards her at the moment. He felt a wave of hurt that coarse through his body. An emotion that he hadn't felt since Team Flash shunned him in the future. Had she always see him that way? Someone sensitive, someone that was provoked easily? Had she been walking eggshells around him all the time?

He did something unexpected that shocked both him and Caitlin. He reached out and put a hand on her clenched fist. She looked up in surprise. "So you're not mad?"

I simply shook my head. "No Caitlin, I'm not mad but I am disappointed."

Hurt, puzzlement, and bewilderment flashed on her face.

I slowly withdrew my hand but I could already feel the lack of warmth of her hand now. "I believed in you. I thought you were stronger than this."

She sighed exasperatedly. "I'm not. Everyone thinks I am but I'm not. And I'm exhausted."

"Do you regret what you did? If you could turn back in time...would you do it again?"

She blinked in surprise. Unprepared for his question. "I—I don't know. I thought I would be free—that I would be relieved that I finally found a permanent solution to my problem but the truth is—" she looked straight into his eyes. "I don't know what I feel. I thought everything would be okay if I just got rid of her but I feel weary and I thought I would be at peace."

"I know why you wanted to speak to me here. At Jitters where there will be people."

She looked startled. "What?"

"You asked me here—when you could have talked at my lair or the lab or your place but you chose here and I know why."

She frowned. "Savitar I don't see how that's relevant to what we're talking about here."

I pointed at my face. "You can't see me. At least not the real me and my face. I'm in disguise with the transmogrifier you gave me. You picked a place where I would have to be disguised because you feel guilty about what you did. At least partially."

Her eyes grew wide. "Savitar—"

"You didn't want to admit what you did while seeing my face. You think that it will ease your guilt even a little bit when you can talk to me about what you did and not see my true face because you felt guilty."

I stood up. "You should have embraced Killer Frost. I'm sorry about what you went through, I am but what you did...you shouldn't have taken the cure, Caitlin. Have you ever thought that instead of trying so hard to get rid of her, you could have to try to get along with her? Try to understand her?"

Caitlin's face was unreadable as she pursed her lips.

I continued. "She was a part of you and you killed a part of you. Frost was a gift, not a curse. You shouldn't have treated her that way."

She opened her mouth to say something but I had already walked away. I pushed open the door and left.