apartment 17 || xxxtentacion

ix

jahseh's pov

i slowly opened my eyes up and looked around the unfamiliar room. the room that me and the girl lying nest to me filled with either lust or love last night. its hard to tell. the thought of love scared me a little bit. i didn't do "love".

i turned over to look at her. her brown curly hair was splayed out all over her pillow and her back was turned to me. i knew how she felt about me; she was probably worried that we were moving to fast. and i felt the same. in a way, i felt bad about last night. i hadn't let it go al the way although we did mess around a bit. i stopped it before we had gone too far and i knew that's probably what she would have wanted too. she fell asleep in my arms, her soft breathing lulling me to sleep. despite not actually having sex with her, i knew deep down that shouldn't have even started, especially if i wanted to prove to her that i wasn't just trying to get a quick fuck out of her like the other girls. maybe we were moving too fast. i hope she doesn't get bored of me.

i just sat there thinking for a while, i'm not sure how long. maybe she would move on from me and find someone better and more worthy of her time. but maybe she would stay with me. just maybe. the intimacy we shared last night was enough to give me hope that maybe she would stick around with me, despite my struggles. she hd already done so much for me, it was crazy.

i began tracing tiny shapes into her bare back and she began to stir awake. she turned over onto her other side to face me, her big hazel eyes staring straight into mine.

"finally, you're awake," i joked around with her. she cracked a mile in my direction and yawned while stretching out her arms.

"listen, i want to talk." i said seriously as i sat up in the bed.

she looked over concerned and asked, " what's up? is something wrong?"

"nothing's wrong, i just feel guilty. i shouldn't have started that last night."

"jah, you don't have to apologize. if i didn't want it i would've stopped you." she said as she grabbed my hand. giving it a reassuring squeeze. i looked down at our hands together.

"i'm just worried we might be moving too fast..." i said, looking over at her. i could tell she was processing my words in her head.

"i feel the same." she mumbled before looking down at her lap. i hadn't meant to crush her mood. i scooted over closer to her so i could wrap my arms around her. she smelled like coconut and it relaxed my nerves, which were completely shot in that moment.

"i think i need time to think about us, jahseh." she mumbled, looking up at me. i nodded before moving off of the bed. i grabbed my jeans and put them on, and then grabbed my jacket and slipped it on. i felt bad leaving her, but it's what she wanted and i didn't want t lose what we had created this past week.

i walked back over ti where she sat on the bed and grabbed her hand. i placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand before making my way out of her apartment.

once i was i'm the main hallway, i decided i didn't want to go back to my apartment. i walked down the hallway. i suddenly felt the desperate need to get high. i went into my apartment and rolled a few blunts. i walked back down the same hallway. i put the blunt up to my lips, and lit it. i took a deep inhale from it and allowed the weed to full my lungs. i slowly exhaled the smoke as i exited the apartment complex. they had strict rules against smoking in the building, but i never cared enough to follow them.

i walked around aimlessly through the city for what felt like hours, just casually puffing on countless amounts of blunts. it didn't seem to be doing the trick of easing my nerves today. my mind instantly to the white bars that had been the center of my life before i had gone clean. it was sad that instantly turned to xanax the minute i couldn't cope with something. i tried to shake it from my mind, but i simply couldn't. i craved dopamine.

cynthia would be upset with me.

i scrolled through my contacts until i found my dealer; i don't know why i didn't delete his number when i had gotten off xans in the first place. maybe i knew i would need him again. i rang him and arranged a meet up with him a few streets down. i hurriedly walked down the streets careful not to make eye contact with people. i had no idea what had gotten into me. this wasn't the same me that had woken up in cynthia's bed this morning. this wasn't true to me.

i quickly walked up to the man that i had purchased from countless times before, careful not to make direct eye contact. i slipped him the money and he slipped me the baggie filled with white pills. i gave him a nod. and walked off, praying that this would be the final time i ever had to see him again.

i made it back to my apartment and quickly stepped inside, making sure i locked it behind me. i walked over to my small sofa and turned on the lamp beside it. it barely lit the room.

i poured the xans onto the coffee table, breaking them into tabs.

8 tabs. straight to the brain.

i quickly swallowed them and sat back on the couch, closing my eyes. i wondered what cynthia was doing. was she thinking about me just like i was thinking about her? i imagined her breaking through the door and catching me sitting in front of a baggie filled with xans. i had told her i would try to straighten out for her. of course, like usual, i fucked that up. the xanax was already in my system so it was too late to turn back now. i had let myself down.

i laughed to myself as it felt like i was floating away. away from everything i had stressed out about this morning. everything that had happened between me and the girl across the hall from me.

what had gotten into me?