apartment 17 || xxxtentacion

xxix

jahseh's pov

"so are we set for a release this friday?" our manager asked, looking between all three of us. we all did our respective nods and exchanged nervous glances among each other. i could feel the pressure of months worth of hard work sitting upon my shoulders. i was excited to release this music off for the world to hear, but there was always a part of me that was nervous. it's nerve wracking when your sharing your art that you poured your thoughts and emotions into.

"...and then tour." wait. tour? i had gotten so consumed with moving and cynthia that i completely forgot that i would have to pick up everything up for a few months and leave it behind. i wasn't sure if i was completely ready, but i knew i would have to be. i suddenly felt even more nervous than before.

tour always came with a lot of negativities tor me. despite the fans and performing every night, which i loved, i always found myself falling back into old habits; whether it be one night stands with nameless girls or hard drugs. now that i har promised cynthia to get better, i felt pressured to stay my best for her.

tour was going to be a struggle. i could already tell.

"how long?" ski asked next to me. his leg was gently bobbing up and down; i could tell he shared the dame nerves as me.

"two months." our manager answered quickly as he began filing papers and adjusting folders on his desk.

"when are we leaving?" collie asked two seats down from me. i looked over at him; he seemed content. he was always call under pressure. i was convinced he didn't even have nerves at this point.

"we'll be flying you guys out to colorado the twentieth of november. you'll have a day to recuperate and then the first show is the twenty-second."

one month away. i shut my eyes tightly and rubbed the bridge of my nose. ski nudged me, looking at me confused.

"headache," i quietly lied. it was better to just mask what i was feeling with a little lie.

"well, it's getting late boys. thanks for coming on such a short notice," our manager said, standing up to say his goodbyes. we all shook his hand and exchanged our "goodbyes" before leaving the building, the weight of a tour and a release on friday laying heavily on our shoulders.

——————————————

we arrived home way later then i had planned. florida traffic was a killer, even past rush hour. we all walked into the loft and were greeted by a dark living room. a faint smell of food filled the air.

ski immediately began searching around for the source of the smell. he found it, sitting on the counter, with a small note.

i hope everything went well with your manager. i decided to make you guys some food because i know damn well you weren't going to cook something by yourselves. there are greens and turkey necks, spaghetti, and fried fish in the tupperware.
eat up, xo
-cynthia

i smiled lightly at the note before i went to grab a plate. i scooped some of the food onto the plate and sat down next to coolie as he ate.

"fuck man, your girlfriend can cook," he said, shoveling a forkful of spaghetti into his mouth. i grinned at him as i tried some; it was really good. i would have to thank her for taking the time to make us this later. i wasn't even completely sure where she was right now to be completely honest.

we all cleaned up after ourselves once we finished. usually we would have left the dishes sir but i insisted that we cleaned them up tonight despite the strange looks the boys gave me. i didn't want cynthia to feel obligated to clean up after us.

ski and coolie decided to go iff into their respective rooms once we finished, leaving me alone in the living room. i walked down the hall until i got to my bedroom door. it was shut. i knocked lightly, but i got no response. i slowly opened up the door and stepped in to find cynthia laying on the bed, curled up and asleep.

i laughed to myself; there was something so pure about coming home to find a girl you adore curled up on your bed.

i slowly laid down on the bed, trying not to wake her up, but failed. she slowly lifted up her head and smiled at me.

"hey jah," she said quietly.

"hey sleepy," i replied. i placed a light kiss on her forehead.

"how was the meeting?" she asked, laying her head back down on the pillow.

"it was ok, i have some news to tell you in the morning." i decided i didn't want to tell her now. i wasn't sure how she was going to take it; she would either be happy for us or she would be upset that i would be leaving. i couldn't afford ruining the mood tonight.

"good or bad?" she asked, her wide eyes looking up at me.

"depends," i shrugged, laying my head down next to hers.

"ok well i have news too," she told me, a smile teasing her lips.

"good?" i asked.

"very good," she said excitedly. she yawned sightly.

"go back to sleep baby" i cooed.

"okay, goodnight jahseh."

"goodnight cynthia."

despite me saying goodnight, i didn't fall asleep until much later. i was up
mostly thinking about tour. how was cynthia going to take it? i hoped she would be proud but i had a feeling she would be upset too.

i knew how we both were when we got separate; we didn't know what to do without each other. we both had our demons and without each other, they consumer us. 

i knew i would end up falling into a dark hole of alcohol and hard drugs on tour; that was the life. wake up, perform, party. i loved it but not i had cynthia and i didn't want to leave knowing that she was going to be all alone and upset. the city was huge; anything could happen.

i also knew she had a lot to do with her art and that by bringing her on tour with me i would be pulling her away from her own dreams and goals. i couldn't do that to her despite how much i wanted to.

i shut my eyes, the overbearing feeling of anxiety consuming my dreams.