apartment 17 || xxxtentacion

50

cynthia's pop

I could see jahseh's face frown as he glanced over at me from the corner of his eyes. the thought of him being upset at me over something that was out of my control made me sick to my stomach, I didn't want this.

"what is that?" he asked quietly. I knew he already knew what it was; I just think he wanted to see if I would be honest about it. its not like I really had anything to hide, these weren't mine anyways.

"these aren't mine. someone must have put them in my bag." I told him.

"are you sure about that?"he asked. he sounded upset which only made me more upset.

"jahseh, I swear to you. these are not mine. I've stopped using this. someone must have been in that apartment with me." I pleaded with him.

"Cynthia, I really want to trust you..." he said cautiously, not taking his eyes off the road.

"if you don't want to believe me then fine. whatever. just know that I've been trying to get better. do you really think id want to get stuck back on these?" I questioned him. i could. tell he was thinking over my words in his head.

"im just scared, you know?" id not want to see you fall back into your old ways." he said, glancing over at me again.

I wasn't sure whether to feel special that he cared about me or to feel upset that he wast completely sure whether or not he could trust me. it was an odd juxtaposition. 

"I never want to go back to that, jahseh, those were the moments of my life. you have to believe me." I told him, he sighed lightly in a way of signifying he had given up.

"I believe you. just promise me you will get rid of that when we get home, okay?" he said.

"I promise."

we arrived home within a matter of minutes, jahseh promptly pulled into the driveway and stepped out of the car into the night breeze. the sun was setting off in the distance.

symbolically, the night could stand for a lot of things. never would have thought that when given the baggie with the white powder I had desired so desperately months ago I would be throwing it away. this would have been unheard of even a month ago. if you told me that I would be in this position right now, I would have never believed you. 

I guess that's what addiction does to you.

as well as this symbolic ending to my addiction, this sunset could stand for me leaving behind Gustav. I was ready to leave behind every bad and god memory involving him. even in the good times, he inflicted nothing but pain and torment on my life. I was done with him; the sun was setting on our old relationship signifying its demise. 

I stared off, watching the sun lower into the horizon, dragging with it arrays of oranges and pinks. it reminded me of when jahseh and I walked around downtown broward, hand in hand, and he made such a profound statement about the sheer diversity amongst every sunset that graced the sky. I had come to cherish those moments over the last six months without him. his words were only thing I had left other than the overpowering feeling of emptiness and despair.

we both walked into the dark loft and were greeted by silence. jahseh flipped on the light, illuminating the room quickly. the bagger felt heavy as I sat in my hand.

he grabbed my free hand and led me to the bathroom where I would ultimately flush down the drugs and I would say sayonara to my addiction. I couldn't help but feel a little nervous. this was monumental for me.

I stood in the bathroom in front of the toilet as jahseh stood next to me, his hand still clutches against my free hand. 

"cynthia, you have to get rid of it." he said calmly. his voice snapped me out of my thought, bringing me back to the situation that was in my hand.