apartment 17 || xxxtentacion

xxxvi

cynthia's pov

the next few weeks seemed like a complete blur. i had become increasingly dependent on this white powder to ease any worries or doubts that cross my mind. of course no one knew, i kept it all within seclusion of the loft.

the man who had initially given me coke, who i would later come to know as gustav, always had a way of finding me when i needed him most. whether i was walking down the street at night or i was out clubbing with april, he was always there.

it was quite concerning to be completely honest , but he always provided me with drugs. he had a way with pressuring me into buying them and i always gave in. maybe my willpower was just too weak, but i don't know how i would have lasted without them.

my drinking had become slightly worse as well. once i had started snorting coke. i gained this "i don't give a fuck" attitude and completely threw away my promise to jahseh out the window. i highly doubt he kept his too. he for sure gave into the drugs. he was out of my sight so who said he wouldn't fall back into his own addictions?

my nights seemed to follow a cycle; take a line, drink a little, and then wake up on the floor in the morning. i spent most of my time inside when i wasn't out partying or in search for drugs.

jahseh would be disappointed in me. hell, i was even disappointed in myself.

in just a few short months i had met jahseh, dropped out of college, moved in with a group of guys, and started heavily abusing drugs and alcohol. its crazy how things can change so fast. i used to dream of being something special and important when i grew up. now, i'm so far from that. i'm at rock bottom, simply searching for some sort of release to drag me away from reality and down a deep hole filled with addiction. i felt trapped, but i had no motivation to stop it.

i was too dependent.

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jahseh's pov

there wasn't a day that went by that i didn't think of her. when i woke up, when i went out with the boys, when i performed, and when i lay in bed at night without her; she always flooded my thoughts. i missed her like hell.

i had stayed one hundred percent loyal to cynthia. despite how many girls had made their attempts to woo me over, i shot each one down. i hadn't done any drugs, besides smoking weed, for the entirety of the tour.

i had made a promise to cynthia and i planned on keeping it.

sure it was hard, especially when everyone around you were taking all kind of pills and you had to sit back and just watch. it was tempting, but i had control.

it felt much healthier as well. it was nice waling up in the morning and not having a bad migraine or being in the middle of three random girls. being sober may not have been the fun route, but it was definitely the healthy route.

i searched through my phone trying to find cynthia's contact. i tried to text her everyday just to make sure she was okay. rather than typing out a message to her today, i hit the "facetime" icon and waited as it rang.

no answer.

i called again. still no answer.

cynthia🖤
sorry, i cant talk rn

is everything ok?

cynthia🖤
yeah, just really tired. ily<3

get some rest, i love you🧡

i gently placed my phone down with a sigh. this wasn't the first time she had done this. lately, she would always claim she was too tired to talk to me. at first, i brushed it off, but it slightly concerned me. was she hiding something from me? i prayed she really was tired.

i knew she previously had a problem with addiction. i had one too, so i could relate. but she had promised me as well to stay away from alcohol and drugs. i had trusted her; she hadn't given me a reason not to.

i stepped out of the tour bus and leaned on the side, taking a long drag off my cigarette. wifi stood next to me, sipping on a water bottle.

"everything okay?" he asked. i dropped my cigarette and stomped it into the ground. although as much as i would rather keep this to myself, i felt the urge to just get it off of my shoulders.

"yeah, it's just cynthia." i mumbled, looking off in the distance. i saw a flock of birds flying along the horizon. i stared at them intently, analyzing the way their wings mover in the breeze. it would be so nice to fly away from everything.

"did you y'all break up?" he pressured, gaining a roll from mg eyes. i hated when he asked that.

"no, she just doesn't ever wanna talk to me, ya know?" i said, sighing.

"are you sure she's not...fucking off?" he asked, turning towards me. he just had to phrase it like that. i couldn't stand the thought of her body pressed up against another guy. i only ever wanted to imagine us together; her beautiful voice moaning out my name was like music to my ears. i didn't want anyone to make her feel the same way i do.

"nah she wouldn't do that to me. and don't say it like that" i said, cringing slightly.

"ight, just be careful jah." wifi said before walking off. i watched him as he stepped into the tour bus.

"you should probably start getting ready." he added before opening the door and stepping inside.

he really got me thinking. cynthia wouldn't cheat on me. april told me cynthia didn't trust many guys and i was going to hold that true. she would never cheat.

we were going to be in new york next week. we have a few days off while we are there; maybe i would surprise her before the exhibition. i'm sure she would enjoy that. hell, she would love it, right?

i tried to brush off any of my doubts as i walked back inside the bus to get ready for another set in front of another crowd.