apartment 17 || xxxtentacion

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cynthia's pov

what was i thinking? i knew i wanted him to stay with me and hold me all morning yet i let him go. i knew damn well i wasn't going to "think" over anything. i had already made up my mind.

i wanted him.

i wanted his touch and i desperately wanted to fell that connection right now. i hadn't realized how dependent j had become on jahseh. but i had pushed him away. dammit.

i had sat in my bed in the same position since jahseh left. i felt unable to move. every muscle in my body wanted to give up and just lay forever. i felt mentally and physically exhausted. everything that had happened last night had replayed in my mind. the countless times he called me beautiful and kissed along my body. everything until he stopped and we lay together, dazed and delirious, until we gently fell asleep in each other's arms.

since moving into this apartment and starting college, i had practically separated myself from everyone except april. i longed for a romantic connection and here i was, pushing my one interest away. maybe he didn't want to see me again. maybe i wasn't worth the chase. maybe i fucked up.

i gently waked down the hallway, hoping to find jahseh sitting on my couch, scrolling through his phone with his hair a beautiful mess. his piercing brown eyes would look up at me and he would smile at me with his breathtaking smile. but no. i was welcomed with emptiness and the vague smell of weed, presumably from someone smoking in the hallway.

despite pushing him away, i hope he was okay. i hope he wasn't turning to substances to occupy his time. that sounded selfish. he probably had a lot of things to do. he had his whole future laid out in front of him with his music. i was just a dead-end college student who was unsatisfied with her life.

i forced myself to get dressed, although i still looked and felt like shut. i brushed my teeth, intently staring at my reflection in the mirror i'm front of me the whole time. i ran my fingertips along the tiny purple bruises jahseh had left along my collarbones and up and down my neck and wondered what i had left with him, if i had even left anything. would he hide them away from the world, only for him to see? or would he not even dare to look at them, too ashamed to even acknowledge the love i had placed in each little kiss and mark.

fuck it, love is too strong of a word. what we had wasn't love. yet.

i had a few classes throughout the day and managed to spot april leaning against the wall, rapidly typing out a text to someone. i quickly walked over to her and tapped her shoulder. she looked over confused but instantly smiled when she saw me.

"hey cynthia! how's it been going this past week?" she said excitedly as she locked her phone. she always seemed so happy and satisfied with the world around her. oh what i would give to live a day in her life.

"it's been...interesting to say the least." i replied with a fake grin. i didn't want to seem like a complete mess, especially in public.

"how's that cute rapper boy? i saw you leave with him the other day...?" she winked at me. i decided to leave out everything that had occurred between jahseh and i over the course of the past week and a half, give it a few days.

"oh. he's ight i guess. i found out he's my neighbor." i shrugged. "more importantly, how is stokeley? you two seemed to hit it off that night." i gently laughed and smirked at her.

"you have no idea cynthia, he's an absolute sweetheart. i cant get enough of him." her smile was about a mile wide. it made me happy that my best friend was so satisfied with her relationship. i wish i could have felt the same.

after a quick chat with april, i went to my final class and then headed back to my apartment. when i arrived, the place was still as empty as ever. but really, what did i expect? i placed my bags on the ground and slipped off my shoes. i walked into my kitchen as my stomach growled; i realized i hadn't eaten anything all dat. i quickly whipped up a sandwich and sat down at my island.

i scrolled through instagram, passing pictures from "artsy" photos of cappuccinos to vacation pictures from people who i probably hadn't spoken to in five years. i shut off my phone and laid it on the hard marble as i finished up my sandwich. as i sat there, i heard footsteps go down the hallway and a door quickly open and shut, way harder than it should have been shut. i shook it off. i placed the plate in the sink before something caught my eye.

the bottle of red wine i had bought last night sat on the side of the counter, completely untouched. i decided to settle for a glass. what was the worst that could happen.

before i knew it, one glass turned into five until i had completely ditched the empty bottle of wine completely. the rest of the night was spent drinking various other alcoholic drinks i could find in my kitchen, until i felt like i couldn't move. i was doing the exact thing i had told jahseh not to do. i was relying on alcohol to relieve my sadness and pain.

in the moment, all i cared about was feeling the liquor pour down my throat and leaving a burning taste in my mouth.

in the midst of reaping my entire kitchen of alcohol, i decided that he wasn't worth worrying about anymore. sure, i still thought about him every moment my kind wasn't occupied with something else, but i wasn't as concerned with what had happened this morning as soon as the alcohol set in.

i lay on my sofa, staring at my ceiling, and reminisced on my day. i realized that i sat in class and thought of him. i made dinner and thought of him. i practically drank myself into a fucking coma and thought of him.

was he thinking about me too?