apartment 17 || xxxtentacion

xxxix

*one month later*

jahseh's pov

the hardest thing i think i've ever had to do was walk away from cynthia that night. i knew i had to do it though. it was for the best, even if i felt like complete shit afterwards.

i haven't spoken a single word to her since that night. hell, i hadn't even seen her. i had april help me pack up her belongings which she kindly took to her. i asked not to know where she was staying now; i would only end up driving there and regretting my decisions.

i didn't have enough courage to face her the day after i pushed her away. i don't even know where she is. is she even alive? maybe she overdosed. maybe she's in rehab getting better. i would never know. i made the decision to cut ties with her, even though deep down all i really want was to hear her voice again or to see her face again, let alone be in the same room as her again.

she had given me so much happiness; she was my muse. that is, until she turned to drugs to fill whatever void i was unable to fill.

i'll never completely understand why such a beautiful talented woman would then to drugs and alcohol. maybe i truly didn't know her. maybe she really wasn't the person she made herself out to be then again, why do i continuously turn to xanax whenever i feel like shit?

we used to lay awake at night in each other's arms, talking about life and death and everything in between. she used to talk about her desire for fulfillment and how much she admired people who were able to let go and be themselves without any doubts.

i always told her that everyone was struggling in one way or another and she would stare into my eyes with her beautiful brown eyes before moving on to another subject. she always had the most profound thoughts. i could sit and pick through her mind for hours; there was always something new and unique to learn about her.

i think that's what i missed most; her mind. she had so much potential. i promised her that i would try my best to provide her with the fulfillment she lacked. maybe i failed at that; too many empty promises drove her away from me and now we're both fucked up. maybe we've always been this screwed in the head. the only difference is that now, we're left alone to our own demons. we're forced to face these demons by ourselves. i pray she is strong enough to make it out alive. i know i'm struggling enough as it is.

i'd be lying if i said i didn't miss her. i missed her like crazy. her perfume used to linger on my bedsheets; i didn't want to wash them because that was the last part of her i had. her scent slowly mixed with the scent of alcohol, leaving me sick to my stomach every time i smelt it. it only reminded me of the night i pushed her away instead of helping her. i should have let her stay. fuck.

i don't think i'll ever find someone like her. maybe that's why i cant get over her.

i sat day after day in the studio, barely making any progress as the boys nagged at me for not being able to come up with any lyrics. my own personal life was interfering and with my work now and it scared me. music was supposed to be my number one priority, not girls with drug addictions.

today was one of those days.

"you for real can't think of anything?" asked coolie from the small leather sofa across from me. i shook my head no.

"are you still thinking about her?" he asked. i simply shrugged. i didn't really feel like talking about it. i never felt like talking about it to be honest.

"she's gone jah. it's time to move on." coolie said sternly.

"you don't fucking understand." i snapped back. i couldn't move on. stokeley looked up from his phone but stayed out of the conversation. he had tried to avoid talking about her or relationships with me; he claimed it would only resurface negative emotions. i claimed that you cant resurface negative emotions if they never went away.

"maybe i don't, but this is getting to be annoying. you're letting this girl who isn't even in your life anymore interfere with your music. get your shit together and let go of her." coolie replied.

it was hard to "get it together" when all i could think about was how she felt in my arms.

"it's not that easy to just let go." i mumbled, staring at the ground.

"then use whatever fucked up emotions you have to write some god damn lyrics, okay? come on, jah. you can't act like this forever."

he was right. i did need to move on, i just didn't know how.

suddenly, i had an idea.

i pulled out my phone and began typing away anything that came across my mind. line after line, verse after verse. i spewed out any pent up emotions i had been feeling this last month without her. i didn't even care that coolie came behind me to watch. he stayed completely silent, which slightly worried me. maybe it was complete shit. it probably was, but i had gotten too far in now. i was venting everything that i was thinking; i swear half of it didn't even make sense. but it was something, which is better than nothing.

i was expecting coolie to be annoyed at me once i handed him my phone. he sat down and began reading through the lyrics.

"holy shit." he mumbled as he scrolled through again.

"yeah sorry, it's all i've been thinking about..." i replied.

"nah jah this is great." coolie responded.

"wait, for real? are you sure?" i questioned. i really wasn't expecting him to appreciate something like this.

"i'm being serious. you can use this, it just needs a name."

i could have named it several different things that would make it less obvious that it was about her. yet, my mind only came to one thing:

" call it 'wrac' "
wingriddenangelcynthia

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end of part 1

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so what did yall think of part 1 👀?