𝖣𝖾𝗍𝗋𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗅 𝖢𝗈𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 [on hold]

28 | summer

XXVIII / twenty-eight

✧𝐑𝐄𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐂𝐀✧

I'm living in the worst days of my life. I feel trapped in my sadness and sorrow, and frankly, I am already starting to embrace it because I deserve it.

Four days have gone by since I found out about his passing and one day since his parents announced it to the school. The situation is starting to get more real as the second passes.

Every minute I'm in my bedroom curled up in my bedsheets, I feel unhappier.

My only motivation is at the moment lives in Kade's funeral. I need to go, I have to see his face for the last time.

I love you. I wish I had said it to him the day he implored me to go home. Perhaps that could have possibly rewritten his story.

If he only knew how much I love him...

My mind is full of darkness, my thoughts take me to such dull places that I cry whenever they come.

It currently midnight and just as the other nights since his passing, I have insomnia. The moonlight gleaming through the window and my fine curtains keep me from closing my eyes.

That window, this bed... I have many memories of him in this room, I feel him in every inch of it.

Endlessly, I punish my mind into trying to understand what was going on inside his head throughout all his last days of life. I wonder if he was in excruciating pain as he showed, what were the things he thought that drove him to such an unreversible act.

I wonder about his mother and father as well. It must be hard to lose a son, and even harder due to suicide. They must be feeling like horrible people.

But they aren't. Kade always spoke to me so highly of them. It was always funny and flattering to me how in love he was with his mother. Despite his parents not being present at home and constantly putting pressure on him by telling him what to do and how to be, he loved them.

So I don't understand why he did this. I don't.

My phone rings upon my name nightstand, I glimpse at it, then cover my head with my pillow.

I peek at it again. Kendra.

I have barely talked to her since the day. I told her what happened, but I didn't want to elaborate so we stayed that way.

Now, a wave of notifications appears on my home screen. She always does that whoever I am not picking up the phone. I bet she knows I'm awake.

I reach out for the phone.

"I'm going to Ireland in a couple of hours. My grandma is sick. I understood that you didn't want to speak so I didn't tell you sooner to give you space. I know I won't be there for Kade's funeral and I'm so so sorry. I tried to convince my parents not to take me but it's my grandma." she fills me in. The tone in her voice tells me that she is truly sorry. If I weren't so devastated I would laugh.

"It's okay."

"Are you going to be okay?"

I don't know.