𝖣𝖾𝗍𝗋𝗂𝗆𝖾𝗇𝗍𝖺𝗅 𝖢𝗈𝗅𝗅𝗂𝗌𝗂𝗈𝗇 [on hold]

30 | new me

XXX / thirty

✧𝐑𝐄𝐁𝐄𝐂𝐂𝐀✧

As much as try, I still can't breathe. I try my best to drag air to my lungs, but I don't have enough strength to do so. Still holding my dad's arms tightly against my chest, I look back to the bench Hunter was sitting on.

He is no longer there. Actually, he is walking towards us. Me and my dad.

When our eyes meet, I detect in his pure sadness, utter wretch. I can't exactly tell if it's for me or something else, but I know it is almost dragging him to the ground by the way his head is hanging over his shoulders.

I put my entire concentration on his movements as he steps closer to us, I silently watch as he greets my dad with a gruff voice and squats next to us to talk to him. Everything feels so hazy, hence I just stare into his eyes in hopes that I can find some peace within them.

In some instances his amber eyes find mine and I can breathe for a bit. It's as though they take me to the green inside them and transport me to a place where trees as the primary source of everything. That's what makes me breathe again.

Then I feel his arms around me, his fingers touching my waist and his right arm pulling me up off the floor.

For a moment I feel embarrassed of what's happening, I feel something in my gut for having to leave just like that and making a scene, for letting Hunter be a part of this, but I don't focus much on it. Because I barely feel my surroundings.

That feeling fades away from my body when I hear that voice. The voice of my pain, the voice which belongs to the person that has kept me awake all these months. I crawl into my thighs and severely begin to sing a lullaby.

She's calling me. Asking if it's too late, questioning where her daughter is.

I've been here all along. But just like we do to a wallflower, she passed right past me. She didn't notice me, all she did was walk away and leave me with open wounds to heal alone.

I'm upset. My mom dared to show up to my ex-boyfriend's funeral, footing on my brokenness, hurting my undying ego.

"What are you doing here?" dad asks, not raising his voice, but not keeping it calm simultaneously. I don't turn to glance at him, instead, I bury my face on Hunter's shirt and wait until the sound of their voices become muffled by the sound of nature and the voice in my head.

"Hunter, " I shiver against his chest. Though it takes a couple of seconds for him to react properly, I know he listened to me from the beginning.

With all turmoil that has been striking my life, I would guess that he is too feeling out of place. Mostly now because my mom is here and I gave him a very large amount of insight into that department of my life.

In fact, I shed light on every aspect of me. That was my mistake. My mistake was thinking I could give him all of me. But this is beside the point.

I just need him here. He helps me breathe, I need to breathe.

"Get me out of here. Please!" I mutter.

Perhaps it's me, but he carries a different aura. Every aspect of the way he moves, the way he talks and looks at things have shifted, and I am not sure why. It's hard to decipher what is it that made him start to show this side of him when he barely lets me in.

For that said reason, I will never understand why he does what he did next. I would think that the most logical thing to do in this situation is to give my dad a previous notice before taking me elsewhere, however, that's not what he does. At all.

This is the second time it happens, it's the second time I think I don't want it and it's the second time I realize that a kiss from him can do so much more than sparkle hollowed up emotions. A kiss from him makes everything stop, a kiss from him cures and poisons, a kiss from him is so cruel yet so gentle. It destroys and it rebuilds, it makes me love and loathe, cry and smile. All I ever needed to heal my wounds is a kiss from him.

I inhale, taking in his smell, his aftershave, and his cologne.

"You held your breath, " he explains very closely to my face. He doesn't look at me. Not even once as he spoke. His eyes are closed which makes me want to rewind just so I can close mine too. I didn't want to see him avoiding me.

It's as though he were elsewhere but his body remains static here. Stuck on me.

In spite of the panic attack stopping, another feeling has built up within the deepest of my heart, as a consequence, I unwillingly let a sad tear fall down my cheek accompanied by a bitter sigh.

I don't even look around at my parents. I actually could care less if they saw him kissing him or not. I just want to go home.

"Take her home, " dad says and that's the last thing I hear prior to getting home.

"I don't need you to carry me everywhere. I can walk by myself to my room, " I utter, giving him the once-over. He is standing in front of me, this time looking at me. No, not looking at me. Glancing at me.

"Becca, " he speaks low and slow. It's been a long time since I last heard that name from his voice. "Rebecca, " he corrects and it pains me. I try not to make it hurt, still, it does.

"You can go home now."

"I got-" he begins speaking again but is quickly cut off.

Don't get me wrong, I could listen to him tell me whatever he needs to, it's just that right at this moment all I can think about is Kade's death and what happened outside of church.

My heart is blurred by grief and uneasiness. And when my heart is hurt, my mind is too.

"You got to go, Hunter. You have done enough for today and I need and want to be alone, " I don't say please but I plead for him to leave me.

It's the one thing I need right now.

Hence, he does nothing but moves back to his car and drives off. Every time he leaves without saying anything or looking at me something in my crumbles.

Our relationship falls deep apart.

When I get to my room, I cry. I simply cry from realizing how much has changed and how this room makes everything worst. All my memories are here, especially with Kade.

I remember that some nights he would sneak into my room and we would stay up until five am just talking while snuggling on my bed.

He used to do that so much that on some days I would feel annoyed that he came. If only I knew...

Now I am left with memories of him. Not him. I whimper harshly as I take in every corner and every bit of my room.

I can't. I can't keep looking at it and seeing him, seeing myself not caring enough for him.

Then I look at the full body mirror on the corner.

"You could have done something. He would still be here if you cared more, if you loved more, " I cry to my reflection, feeling sickened by the person I am.

Guilt starts to consume me as the feeling of being trapped in the past rises.

I look at myself and I remember Kade. These clothes I have on, the hair, my make-up. All though it's all black, it still is me. It resembles the person that made all this happen.

As a consequence of it, my body conducts itself to my bathroom where my makeup bag is.

I grab a red lipstick Kendra once gave me, 'because you'll want to feel hot someday'. I want to tell her that she was right. I do want to feel hot just not heated by anger. I guess I had my way of interpreting.

Instead of switching it onto my lips, I glance at my reflection, seeing how broken I look. And with my hands shaking, I write on the mirror:

"Becca".