heavenly ✓

𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 29

♡︎𝚘𝚙𝚑𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚊'𝚜 𝚙𝚘𝚟♡︎

it's been about two weeks since I arrived here and settled in my apartment that i rented. it's a really small one, with only one bedroom, a kitchen attached to a living room and a bathroom. i decorated mostly with beige and white, with a few plants near the windows. i was trying to make it as homey as possible.

I have also a big window in my living room that overlooks the city of Paris. it's extremely beautiful, especially at night when the sky is black but the buildings are shining and twinkling with cars passing by.

But it is extremely sad that i don't have skye with me. she wouldn't have loved it since it's in the city, but i miss her terribly. she's not the only one i miss. No no no. don't go there.

I've been trying my hardest to get my mind off of him, and somehow he still finds his way in. i see him in the crowds, in the flowers, in the night skies, even in each passing tourist that has a camera. maybe i am the one searching, not seeing. searching for him, that maybe i'll meet his eyes, those who fucked me over, maybe i would feel warm like i used to, or see a longing.. for me.. that he misses me, but he doesn't, he only wanted her. and it's okay.

it's okay, you know, all of it. How he's not thinking about me, not the way i want him to. how i'm missing him and how hard it is to find something that doesn't remind me of him.

Sometimes we just love people too much, that even when they're gone, even when all traces that proved that they loved us disappeared into thin air, even when it won't make an ounce of difference anymore, we still breathe for them and ache for them..

Sometimes love exists even if it's not wanted anymore, even when it's invisible, sort of like how a star dies and becomes a black hole and everything it ever was just vanishes into the other side of nowhere, but it's still there, louder than ever, wreaking havoc, suckling everything in its wake...

Just because I don't know why and where doesn't mean i can no longer love, amd it doesn't make sense and there will always be infinite of 'if onlys' and millions of 'i wishes' but love doesn't stop and maybe it's not supposed to, and maybe it won't ever be quiet and maybe it'll always hurt. maybe it just won't go anywhere. And maybe you'll just have to be okay with that.

Also.. fuck you Alexander. fuck you.
you gave me your word, and filled me with hope and security, You told me the things i wanted to hear to take the chance and make the jump with you.
You made me feel like I was worth it, I was who you wanted. But you shattered that all quite well. you couldn't take it anymore. You turned around and left me falling without you.

You promised me that you wouldn't. But you did. You left me, and you gave up on us.

But one day. One day you're gonna wake up and motive that you should've tried. I was worth the fight.

i wiped my tears harshly as i stared ahead of me refusing to eat breakfast. as much as i tried i can't have breakfast anymore. I just left the bowl of cereal and went to my room and got dressed. I'm sick of laying around all day trying to figure out where i did wrong, where i wasn't enough.

After putting on a cute outfit, and decided to go a bit out of the comfort zone i build those last weeks, and headed outside for a breath of fresh air.

I walked in the streets, wandering and observing the details. The people walking around talking and laughing without a care in the world, you could see some with light souls, their smiles brighter than the sun, wrinkles near their eyes and lips reaching their ears. And you could see some with heavy souls, trying their best to curve up a smile, to tried to even blink, staring blankly at life wondering what does it want more from them, how much would it steal, their joy already has been spilled.

i wanted to scream at them, to tell them it'll be alright, that after every dark night, the sun gets up again. that every after storm you could see rainbows painting the sky, and behind every frown a millions of beautiful thoughts and memories. But i couldn't, only because i wasn't so sure of my own. I assure my own self with words that i can only hope won't be empty. it'll be alright.

i looked once more at their smiles before walking away, trying to crave the beautiful sight into my memory, the sound of their laughs echoing in the air, all different sets of teeth showing, and a dimple... a dimple reminding me..

I'll never regret meeting him, He was the best mistake that I ever made. All the tears i shed and still shedding, all the time i lost, and all the overthinking i'm still doing, weren't in vain because they taught me to never give my love out so freely again. See i'm learning to accept and love my self all over again, and try to forgive all the people who ever did me wrong. So I thank you for everything you put me through. You are helping me grow. And maybe build a woman that i will be one day and remind me of the type of woman that i'll never be again.

But if you've never felt your soul being torn apart, you've never loved anyone with all your heart.

_______________________________________

𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐰𝐢𝐜𝐞. 𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐢 𝐬𝐚𝐯𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐭, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐬 𝐦𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐢𝐭 𝐠𝐨𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐝...

𝐬𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐝 29𝐭𝐡 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐟𝐭𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 👁️👄👁️