addicted: judd birch & stass

CHAPTER 5: clouded

i hadn't even thought to get judd's number, or anything to contact him on. he was kind of just in my life whenever he felt like it. i couldn't stop thinking about him when i stumbled through my front door and up into my bombsight of a room. i looked down on the floor and noticed that my mum had bought me a few crates of my favourite flavours of monster. i'm familiar with these kind of tricks. this must be a sorry gift for how she shouted at me the night before, lol.

i cracked a white ultra monster open and sipped it with a blank expression plastered on my face. i tried to go through the timeline of events in my head. i couldn't believe i leant in to kiss him. i looked so fucking stupid and naive. he's literally 2 years older, his intentions were not pure and he just saw me as a fucking nicotine dispenser.

just as i was about to drown my thoughts out with more monster i got a text from my older brother who i hadn't spoken to properly for a few days.

⚪️hey anastasia, how was school? x

i sighed and slid my phone screen open to the message.

🔵fine, and why do you call me that? i've told you i hate it, especially because of dad x

he replied quicker than i expected.

⚪️sorry chick. i try and remember stuff like that. speaking of dad, have you spoken to him recently? he hasn't texted me in months. i also haven't spoken to mum much. uni is exhausting x

a tear stung in my eye and i smiled shakily.

🔵no, i don't speak to him. mum has been kind of off with me too, i wouldn't worry. i miss you so fucking much. when are you going to come visit again???

brother<3 is typing...

⚪️soon stass, i promise. i know how much you miss me, and i miss u 50 times that. i've got to go now, some shitty party is happening in my dorm block tonight. catch up soon x

i threw my phone across my bed and dropped my head into my hands. ever since i lost my relationship with dad, my brother was the only person who i felt cared anymore. but now it felt like i'd lost my relationship with him too. i couldn't help but think about judd as the tears slid down my face. i wiped them roughly with my sleeve, i knew i needed to calm down and see that boy, somehow. i swung downstairs with my lighter and a zoot, and told mum i was nipping out, and that i was going to be back soon.

i walked in the brisk weather, with my arms folded, staring at my shoes as i walked. i had some music playing through my earphones but i couldn't concentrate on it. i finally got to the hill at the end of town and sat with my knees against my chest. my limbs felt stiff as i slid out the zoot i'd saved in my wardrobe for weeks. i placed it halfway into my chapped lips, lit it, and inhaled deeply.

the world became slow. i swayed left and right and felt my conscience become cloudy. something must of been in the zoot, that wasn't supposed to be in it. i couldn't even remember who i'd got it off. dealers don't care about anything but money, to be honest, so i must of got it off somebody who really didn't give a fuck. i lost all feeling in my body and couldn't move. i tried to scream but i couldn't. i was trapped. i fell back onto the grass and let out what felt like my last breath.

i didn't know how long i was there, before a strong pair of foreign arms gripped my torso and pulled me up with them. i felt my body be levelled with the earth as i realised i was being carried bridal way, by someone who i thought smelt familiar. i couldn't fight or think of who it could be. whatever i'd smoked had completely blanketed me. i had nothing left. i couldn't control anything anymore. this was it. all i could do was hope.