addicted: judd birch & stass

CHAPTER 8: no.1 party anthem

i spent the first remaining hours of that night wallowing in my bed, clinging achingly onto the stuffed animals that gave me an ounce of comfort, reliving the moment mine and judd's lips touched over and over again. i wasn't angry at him initially, but the more i realised how much he mistreated me, the more defenceless and enraged i could feel myself becoming. i ripped the hoodie off that he had given me and threw it across the room, and kicked it around in circles until i felt so disorientated that i had to lie back down in bed. i grabbed my speaker and ran to the bathroom, scraping my hair - which he'd ran his god forsaken hands through - into a stupid mess on the top of my head, to keep it out of my face whilst i showered. i kept pausing for thought about him. i wonder if he lied when he told me i looked okay in his stupid fucking clothes.

my make up had run endlessly down my cheeks, so the streaks of black and grey stuck to my puffed up skin. i scrubbed my face and body desperately in the burning water. i wanted his touch off me, his lips, his fingers, his scent. i couldn't get like this again. i couldn't put everything on hold for a boy who has more empathy for an empty baccy pouch, than a vulnerable 15 year old girl. i sank to the bottom of the shower as the melancholy songs just kept coming. my head flung back and i looked up at the steam rising into the air, remembering i still had another 4 days of school this week to miraculously drag myself through. these weeks came and went, but when you realise you've built an attachment to a blue haired 17 year old drug dealer, shit hits different.

when i got back into my room, i wrapped my towel tightly around me so my hands were free and breathlessly put my am vinyl onto my record player. i put it on side two and moved the needle until the beginning echoes of no.1 party anthem fizzled into my ears. i threw myself down at my desk and stared in the mirror. i attempted some basic skin care, put some raggedy body lotion and deodorant on, then picked out some sweats and a hoodie to wear for the night. i dragged myself downstairs and asked what was for dinner, as i hadn't eaten anything at judd's, or before i overdosed. what a statement to make.

'order a pizza if you like.' mum said, clutching a glass of white wine, her body sprung awkwardly on the sofa. i nodded and left the room, slamming the door with an angry expression reddening my face. i impatiently typed the pizza delivery number into my phone and ordered pepperoni as i knew my sister liked that flavour too.

whilst i waited for it to arrive i planned out my outfit for school the next day, as i had a free mufti day from my achievement points that i achieved in year 9, when i had sobriety - and a peace of mind. i was going to look fucking fit, that was for sure. i had to get unsolicited revenge on judd. i picked out some figure hugging black flares, some nike socks, my mismatched black and white af1's, a black and white laced cami to go over my red bralet, and finally an oversized navy zip up to have half done up, so my collarbones and tits were showing. i planned on actually making an effort, this time, and not just for judd. i always felt more alive and seemingly positive whenever i dressed up, so i set an alarm for 6:45.

our food finally arrived and i ran downstairs. i sat with my 12 year old sister and tore the pizza in half to share with her.

'does dad ever text you on your shitty nokia brick?' i asked, taking a bit. she laughed and folded her arms.

'no, he never texts me anyway. plus stop making fun of my phone. i've begged mum for an iphone but she won't even consider it.' she replied.

'consider huh? that's a big word for you.' i teased, laughing at her from across the table. she smiled and rolled her eyes.

we sat and spoke until there were no slices left, even though i had judd in the back of my mind, the entire time. i told her to go up to bed and sleep. i knew mum had been drinking again and i didn't want my sister to get upset like she always does when mum is intoxicated. she was only in year 7, after all.

i threw the pizza box away and washed up the plates we ate on. i opened the door to the living room a crack to see mum, asleep. i swung the door open fully and went over to her. i nudged her until she startled awake.

'what time is it?' she questioned, yawning as she spoke.

'9:58. i'll clean up your wine glass and whatever else you have in here. go up to bed.'

she nodded and didn't even try to protest. i did as i said i would and then took myself up to bed, too. i scrambled around for my led light switch, and then turned the setting onto a low brightness. i always slept with them on. i flopped down onto my warm bed after what felt like my never-ending day and pulled the covers over me, and before i knew it, i was asleep.