addicted: judd birch & stass

CHAPTER 30: M

/ this is another filler chapter where i give more contextual background to M, stass' best friend. it will help with the story line . \

'm'

i grew up in a murky british town, with two perfect - reputation driven parents and a sister who was 5 years younger than me. before she came along, my relationship with my parents was somewhat manageable. but ever since 2010, my parents lived vicariously through her.

i wanted to be the perfect daughter for my parents, i tried. i used to get good grades in my core subjects but it slipped by the age of 12. i guess the so called shining bright light that i was 'gifted' with, was inevitably starting to dim.

my sister was perfect. i mean - statistically. her hair was long, and sleek, and blonde, she wasn't old enough to dye it but i know she'd never let a chemical touch it. despite her age, she was still tall and lean, almost reaching my height, although 5 years set us apart. i wondered why i lived in her shadow rather than her living in mine. it kept me up most nights and swallowed my peace of mind alive.

her grades were perfect, flying high above the other pre pubescent kids in her year. she had her friends round every day, playing with toys only available at the higher shelves of the shitty store, laughing at jokes that a parent would giggle and sigh at, and most importantly, she would make it known to me that i was nothing.

i was not a daughter that was desired - or even wanted. my jeans were too baggy for my legs, my hair was too scraggly and faded from the cheap tesco dye i had bought weeks before. my eyeliner was too far drawn out, and the cig packets lying underneath my mattress were everything my parents needed to know that i was not what they wanted. i was not my sister. i was not the shining star of parents evening. i was not the subject of the 'oh my god look at your daughter' compliment. i was a raging ball of dust, collecting all the sly comments, all the glares i got as i strode down for breakfast late, all of the rolling eyes when my outfit was in a foreseeable gaze, and just about everything in between that shaped me to be who i am.

i met stass when she was moved onto my english table in year 7. i didn't like her at first, she seemed too obsessed with her own company and loneliness to be able to coincide with, but eventually i cracked her. i sat next to her on the playground after a stupid fucking wet football smacked her face by a cunty year 8, and asked a question that kickstarted a friendship that i now hope would last forever.

'wanna hang out after school?'

from that day i think we became cringey american movie type inseparable. things with my family got worse, and so did stass'. i found comfort in our separation from our families, which sounds wrong and with ill intention, but who else did i have? sharing a half smoked cigarette off the floor on a monday morning in the woods - 2 miles away from school - was a delicacy that only few best friends could afford: especially at the ripe age of 13 in your first year of the fucking fever dream that is upper school.

when exam season came upon us both towards the end of year 11 i started to let my absence multiply like a virus. 1 day off a week would turn into 3, and before i knew it i was only showing up for meetings in the measly, cold offices that the teachers sat in, staring into my eyes as they would switch gazes from my mum to me. something in me always knew that all they wanted to scream was 'how in the fuck could you of raised a teenager like this...?'

i didn't like leaving stass alone at school, and i know i'm not the on paper type to trust, but fucking believe me i didn't. being at home wasn't any better. but i couldn't do it anymore. mornings turned into nights for me as at 2AM my mind scrambled thoughts in my head like eggs, leaning out my window with a raggedy cigarette from a baccy pouch that was most definitely not mine. life at night was a life that was certainly easier than when the sun shone into every crevice of my bedroom.

so, i guess that's where the story begins. stass meets judd. my stass, with a scrawny sixth former who lives and breathes nicotine? sounds like a match made in heaven to me.

i guess we'll just have to see how it ends.