addicted: judd birch & stass

CHAPTER 21: just like my father

(tw: abuse flashbacks)

as i walked towards the smoke spot, i stared helplessly at my feet as i walked and tried to catch my breath with every step i took. it couldn't be true. there was no way. judd wasn't like that. but then again, i barely knew the boy. i got to the brick wall and sank down in front of it. i impatiently stuck my earphones into my phone and went straight to my fuck shit playlist.

hell is where i dreamt of u and woke up alone came on, and i exhaled everything left in me, whilst turning my volume all the way up. the warm tears trickled down my face and i felt my heart rate slowing and quickening unevenly. i didn't want to believe it, but what else could i do? memories of my dads abuse shot through my mind. i remembered every scream and whimper, begging him to stop hurting me and my sister. i remember every blast of pain rippling through my skin, and every vocal chord in my throat being ripped. i couldn't escape it. i couldn't escape him. i couldn't escape judd.

i opened the imessage app and sent judd a text.

🔵meet me at the smoke spot, now. - s

i turned my music off and took a deep breath, my breath doubling as my anxiety broke throughout my veins. i pulled a cigarette out. i lit it and inhaled whilst tapping the ash gently. i looked vaguely through the trees and saw the cars passing on the street, opposite the school, and waited for judd to get here. i didn't know what classes he had in sixth form. i didn't know if he even would want to see me, anyway. i was scared to ask him but i had to talk to him. i had to.

as i was finishing my cigarette i saw him appear in the distance. he was walking with his hands stuck into his pockets. his hair was draping in front of his eyes and his neck was craned downwards. he perched himself next to me and turned to me in an attempt to kiss me. i shoved him off me.

'sit. i want to talk to you.'

'about what?' he huffed, pushing my bag carelessly out of the way, to take it's spot.

'did you hit your ex girlfriend? or abuse her? be honest judd, i really cant deal with th-'

'are you being fucking serious anastasia? you're being fucking serious. you actually believe that shit? do you not remember when you fucked me yesterday, and asked me about the scar on my chest? where do you think that came from? you think i got accused of abusing a girl i dated for 3 days and didn't get touched for it? you don't think do you, you stupid bitch. fuck you.'

he walked off. before i could even answer. before i could even think about what to say next. i sat there in absolute disbelief and tried to construct what just happened in my head.

i tried to get up and walk but i couldn't. every bone in my body felt like it had sunk and it felt like i was forced into the ground. my head fell back against the cold bricks and i closed my eyes. i wanted to go back. to when i hadn't thought of any of this. to when i felt safe.

to when i hadn't met him.