addicted: judd birch & stass

CHAPTER 28: motherly love

judd was sat on one of the broken primary looking chairs, his legs spread like he was inviting someone to use him as a seat. he caught me walking past and grabbed me by my leg tightly, through my scratchy skull tights and pencil shaped skirt. i shot him a look, telling him everything i knew he wanted to hear, through the desperateness in my eyes. i decided to break the tension before a teacher latched on to what was going on.

'why are you here aswell?' i beckoned to him, hoping he'd give me a legitimate answer, over a stubborn sentence riddled with slurs and anger. he tilted his head and sighed.
'didn't go to economics in the end, caught me bunking. threatened to boot me out of sixth form, so i protested and then ended up here.'

'well that's fucking ass, got screamed at to sign in here because i dumped crisps over a boys fried perm, for calling me an emo and saying he had a thing for me, as if that's not a compliment. i threw a can at him and he asked me if i was going to slit my wrists. i'm glad i frighten the weirdos at this school, i really am.'

'who the fuck said that? bet he's a little faggot, i'll rip his little curls off his head.'

'i wish you could but we'll probably be here all day. i need to go and sign in. we'll have some fun later.'

judd nodded and turned back to his ragged desk. i strode towards the teacher who was in charge of detentions: and took a deep breath.

'anastasia pollus, form is 11LL. just send me to a desk please i'm tired.'

'actually, your mum phoned in and has requested you home, as you haven't been so for a while. the school have approved for you to walk home so you can go now, we've signed you out already.'

i spun around immediately and shot judd a look. he furrowed his eyebrows and ran his fingers through his hair. i thanked the teacher and made my way back to him.

'shit. i'm going to go then. i just hope i can talk it out with her.' i began, leaning on the top of judd's seat. he grabbed my hand and planted a kiss on my forehead.

'you'll be fine retard. text me if there's a problem, i'll be out by 3.'

i kissed his head back and walked out. although i acted like things were going to be fine with my mum, there was no doubt that i was still achingly anxious. i knew my sister wouldn't be home, so if things got violent, i would just have to deal with it alone. she already knew about judd briefly from the last time i was there, so i was hopefully thinking that she'd be prepared for a 'calm and collected' conversation.

the wind was brisk and i clutched my ever falling bag strung over my shoulder. i watched as the cars to the right of me sped past, feeling around in my pockets for my lighter. i had hold of all of mine and judd's smoking shit so i figured i'd just roll a jagged blem if things really got out of control. i still had a red monster in my bag from judd's house that morning, so i cracked it open swiftly and took a deep breath as the end of my street began to creep into my eyesight. i kicked the feeble pebbles on my driveway and reached up to slam the knocker into the door.

my mum answered. the door swung open, and she peered at me like i was an exhibition, her eyebrows furrowed and her lip trembling. before a word could escape her mouth i threw myself into her arms and tried to postpone the warm tears trickling down my cheek.
'i'm sorry mum, i know this doesn't make any sense, i'm just fucked up lately and judd is really helping with how i feel about dad and everything, i don't know what to sa-'
'shhh anastasia it's fine - i promise. i love you and i'm sorry too. i feel like such a failure of a parent.'

i hated when she said that. it felt like the attention has suddenly shifted back to her, yet again. everything was about how she behaved and acted, and nothing to do with the impact that it had on me. venom was bubbling in my mind but i knew that dumping it onto my mum would only make things even harder than they already were.
'i want to meet judd. i know you're not going to like me saying that but if he's going to be the person you spend the majority of your time with, i at least need to know his aura.'

'it's fine,' i spluttered. pulling away and kicking my shoes towards the door. 'i'll say something to him when i see him after school today. you're not gonna make me go back for the rest of the day, are you?'

'nah fuck that, you haven't got an exam for a few days have you? just do whatever, i've got to go and do some work but i'll just leave you to it.'

it kind of frustrated me that she had dragged me all the way here just to say a few sentences and then lock me out again. it felt like all she saw of me was what was on the surface, she never saw through to who i really was and how things she and my dad had done affected me. victim shit, i guess.

'okay that's fine. i'm gonna go to my room.'

i walked upstairs and dropped my stuff on my floor. my room was still a dump, and i knew i needed to clean it if judd was going to come round. he'd never been to my house so i felt a pang of anxiety rush through me when i pictured him entering my front door. whatever, his family was more functional than mine, but he already knew that.

i decided to go and make some food and stick on a film to kill the time in which i would of been sat in a classroom. i debated doing some revision for the replacement of my GCSE's that were coming up, but i knew i could just flunk them. i never ever cared about exams, even back when teachers were sure that exams were going to go ahead as usual. it was a low priority on my list, with judd and my sanity up top.

i unlocked my phone and realised the battery was low. to be fuckin honest, i had barely used it all the time that i was with judd. just as i was about to send him a text, i thought of brooklyn.

would judd be mad if i texted him? i didn't want him, and it was a similar situation to the girl that he had engaged conversation with in the shopping centre. my fingers hovered over the keyboard until i came up with something to send.

Today, 12:57 PM

🔵hey brooklyn it's me, stass. figured you'd want to bun a zoot or something? don't even know if you're from around here but if u can then lmk. - S :)

i wondered if i should confront judd on meeting my mum but then figured it would just be better for it to be an unplanned confrontation. it wouldn't be awkward right? they'd just engage in a short conversation then it would be over.

my phone buzzed and i jumped to check my messages.

⚪️hey stass, yh thats chill. meet me at the park in 20? i've got a prerolled zoot dw about bringing nothing.

great, i mean it would be nice to not be sober when my boyfriend has to meet the person who is the decider on the severity of my mental health. i wavered on the idea of changing out of my uniform but it didn't really matter. brooklyn must be in college or something since he was just able to meet.

i grabbed my bag and headed straight out of the door. i already had everything i needed. mum was on a call so i didn't bother in telling her where i was going. i couldn't deny that i was nervous about meeting brooklyn, i mean i barely even knew the boy. but nevertheless, my legs walked quickly to the park and i didn't want anyone or anything to stop me .