Unpredictable • cth

43

Ella

2 weeks.

For the past 2 weeks I have been going through the motions of talking to my father as I get ready, eating with Mali, getting picked up by Ryder, having every single pair of burning eyes on me when I'm at school, then coming home usually with Ryder cuddling me in my bed or having a movie night with Mali and Mia.

For 2 weeks I've had the same routine. Not a nightmare in sight, Ryder staying over most nights as Mali didn't see the harm in him laying innocently in my bed as long as the door was open. Though today was entirely off from start to finish.

I didn't wake up with Ryder holding me. My father hadn't called me. I was driving myself to school. And everything else in between was falling apart around my feet and of course it's because it's the day before my fathers birthday, the day before he comes home to solely spend the day with me.

The only normal part of today was the fact that Ryder had been asleep in my bed, holding me tightly against his body. Since he knew he couldn't stay the night, he made sure to soak up every inch of my body well he could. His eyes scanning my body as he stole kisses and touched me every chance he could get. He felt bad about not staying the previous night and the fact that he couldn't tonight either, though tonight was interrupted because my father was coming home and he would have a shit fit if he saw Ryder in my bed.

So that being said, Ryder left two hours ago. My bed smelled of him as I slept, nothing could hinder the joy that I was going to have in a few hours when my father came pushing through my bedroom door and stayed with his family the whole day.

All of this, the perfect image that was painted in my head, soon disappeared from sight as I had just jolted out of out of my bed in deep sweat. My eyes watering, head spinning and about everything that I had eaten that day just about ready to come up.

A fucking nightmare, just my luck.

My breath tried to steady as I heard heavy footsteps running the up the stairs, no doubt belonging to my Aunt Mali. I did my best to do my calming exercises before she arrived but every time I closed my eyes all I could see is 14 year old, Ryder and Ella having a screaming match in the very room I was sleeping in now.

The difference between what had just happened and all the past nightmares is that this one was the furthest from a nightmare. It was a clear memory of that day, just from an outsiders point of view. It was being shown to me like someone had filmed it and pressed playback 4 years later.

I couldn't help myself as Mali wrapped her arms around my body. I closed my eyes, allowing the single tear to slide down my cheek, as the scene began to play out yet again.

October 24th 2017
4 years ago

My body still hadn't left my bed, my eyes too weak to open even if I pulled the two lids open with my fingers they would still find a way to slam shut. I literally wanted nothing more than to stop crying but I couldn't, I really also felt like I shouldn't.

It had only been two weeks since Ryder had just cut me out of his life. I haven't seen, heard, or talked to him in two weeks. He talked to me the day of homecoming, telling me to wear the red dress that he loved so much and then just never showed up.

I waited more than 6 hours for him to show up. Meaning my father waited 12.

He never did though. Every call went to voicemail, every text unanswered. He was acting like I didn't exist in every sense of the word. So maybe I shouldn't?