Unpredictable • cth

55

this is a shorter chapter, i'm sorry :(
but if it makes you feel any better i really like this one !

TW- mentions of suicide and therapy

Ella

I don't know how I got here.

I'm not sure when I woke up and decided that I needed to take a bath.

I'm not sure why I was so scared of everyone touching or seeing me 'dirty.'

I don't know what my nightmare was about.

I simply don't know.

All I know is that I can currently feel the cool ceramic tile pressed against my hollowed back, everyone's eyes on my suddenly feeling smaller body sat in the pool of water that is brimming almost over the edge with worry.

Everything is hazy, I keep blinking my eyes hoping that it will clear the image in front of me but it's simply making me more frustrated. My eyes stayed down away from my father who was reaching toward me with a worrying expression, though the more he reached out to me the more I draw into myself and away from him grasp.

I could barely feel my body, the ice cold water making my bones feel brittle as if they would break from any force exerted.

I felt alone, though 12 sets of eyes were glued to small frame that was drawn into a ball as I sat my body at the farthest edge of the tub away from my father.

I watched as he tried to extend his hands toward me, but my eyes shut, flashes on the terror that sent me flailing in here covered my vision, my only sight being her body.

"You my dear have been selfish." She tuts, grasping my curly hair into her decaying hands as she attempted to tame the lions mane.

"You keep saying that and have yet to make me believe you." I shot back, leaning further against the cool tile that I found myself sat in. I haven't been able to make out where I was or what I was doing, just her and her words were clear.

"I am you Ella dear, you just don't want to admit your faults." Her voice was closer to my ear then it had been, her hand coming down to hold my neck lightly with no added pressure just yet. "You don't want to  admit that you made everyone feel like dying."

"I don't." I spoke calmer then expected, though wincing at the sudden tug of my hair as she pulled my head back so I was looking up at her with a craned neck.

"You want to keep lying to yourself now flower?"

I slammed my hands down in the water in exasperation as the memory of my retro flashes a crossed my mind, finally allowing the water that was filling in my eyes to silently fall down my cheeks.

I wanted to be clean of her, I wanted to be rid of the one person that was ruining my life. And the worst part was is that she wasn't even a real person, she is simply my worst fears and doubts wrapped up into someone I feel guilt for.

I feel guilty for her death because she didn't want me to see her suffer.

"Your selfish, you made your mother do what she did, don't you know that?"

"I'm selfish. I made her do what she did."

I turned my head up as the mirrors words of the monster I was running from spilled from my mouth, effectively now bringing the rest of my face to be exposed from the cool air rushing quickly through the open bathroom door where a mass of people stood.

I can only imagine their faces, jaw dropped and wide eyes. They are scared of what I can do, but I know what I can and will do and dying isn't one of them.