Unpredictable • cth

58

hope you didn't miss me too much ;)

y'll ain't ready for the amount for father daughter love that's gonna happen right now

Ella

Waking up the way I did should be traumatizing, with tubes in my arms and one down my throat, chords hooked up left and right, with a constant beeping echoing in the hollowed, stark white room, but it wasn't.

It wasn't because as of last night I was free from her. We finally let each other go, me finally being allowed to heal and her finally able to move on.

I have only been awake for a few hours but I already felt a genuinely new person, someone new entirely.

I had no more boxes shoved away from my sight and others. I didn't have a nagging voice contradicting everything I've ever done, one that's been apart of me since I can remember.

I didn't have a fear, well for the few hours I've been awake, of fighting something unknown or fighting myself. I didn't have to look over my shoulder to see if I made her mad or ruined my chances of a normal day.

I was free in all sense of the word.

Truthfully I don't remember anything else from the night before, the last thing being the nurse in the ambulance smiling down at me, muttering praises for me waking up, for me staying with her.

Everything before is a mass up of kisses with Ryder, seeing Jackson, and darkness, thats all I can put together. Maybe that is the only parts of it that I want to put together or maybe that's all I can because by the excruciating pain I'm feeling proves to mainly in my head and my back, so maybe I have a concussion, I have no clue.

I've already been asked much to many questions about what I actually remember and the answer would be smoke, pills, kisses, and a hand up my dress.

The last of those facts sending my father into a frenzy, at one point slamming Ryder up into the wall just so he could have someone else to blame for my experience.

But after that it's all dark until I woke up around 4pm on Saturday afternoon, almost a full 24 hours later from what was supposed to be my special day.

Yesterday was more than a therapy session, it more than much of anything else, it was the anniversary of my moms death.

Everyone knew this, even my therapist, but no one spoke a word because I never did myself.

Hence the wildflowers in the car, my mom was my dad's wildflower and I was Ryder's, everyone knew that.

I held a few words with my dad that morning,  patiently wading around the subject as both of us for the most part healed from loosing her but in all honesty you can never be the same after something like that.

But Ryder made the day a bit more special, a good day, a good memory to flush out the bad because he knew, everyone did.

Sending Jackson to jail is a good memory, being free of her is a good memory, fighting for myself is a good memory because in that moment I choose me over everyone else.

Mom would be so fucking proud of me.

But waking up to a heart rate monitor flying off the charts, my room loaded with swollen eyes of my family, and a curled up duke at the end of my bed pawing at me to wake up made me feel like I failed in choosing myself solely because everyone else around me had suffered from my allowance of letting her go.

I don't think I've ever seen my father look so broken, not even when mom died, but waking up with his head resting on the edge of my bed as he held one hand and Ryder the other I saw how ruined he was.