Unpredictable • cth

44

Ella

If it means anything I blocked that memory out of my mind for 4 years. Solely because Ryder has never acted like that before that day or after. So I choose to ignore it.

Yes he's screwed up since then but he's never pulled that stunt again. He said he would never and I believe him. But that doesn't mean that this never ending loop of a memory has made me anything less insecure.

So it's 2 am in the morning, I'm laying on my carpeted floor after shooing Mali away insisting I am perfectly fine, just so I could hover my thumb hovering over Ryder's name in hopes of him answering.

Which of course he did.

"Hey baby." His voice rasps through the speaker, his accent extra strong which honestly is sending my stomach through the roof.

"Hi." I breathed out unsure of what exactly I even bothered calling him about.

We are fine. He's fine. I'm fine. I think I am anyways.

He hasn't pulled something like that since freshman year and we've already talked about. Multiple times. He's explained to me time and time again that he didn't mean a single word he said, that he thought by making me hate him I would be better off. But he was wrong on both accounts, I would never hate him and I would never be better off without him.

When we restarted whatever this was at the end of sophomore year we talked about the issue. We talked about everything. From him kissing me and lying all the way to the picture of my mom. We've covered all bases so why now I feel the need to call him and bring it up, i'm unsure.

My eyes fell over to the photo that was now seated on my nightstand. The frame glued together all crooked as my father took it upon himself to fix it since he knew how much it meant to me. It was still ok, it was fixed. At the end of the day it's a thing, yes it was from my mom but it was nothing more than a thing.

My father told me things are meant to be break apart or disappear but the memories and the people will always be.

"You ok?" I heard shuffling as he spoke, most likely lifting his body up on his large bed so he can be more attentive to the conversation.

I hummed in response, not entirely sure if I was but just trying to make it seem like I was on all accounts of the word.

"It's.." His voice trailed off as did his breathing, "2 am pretty girl, what's up?"

"I'm sorry." I muttered, just trying to make it seem ok.

"Ella, your freaking me out." He chucked lightly trying to ease the tension.

I let silence fill the phone, Ryder was mumbling incoherent things under his breath with was only confusing me more. I didn't want to bring it up 4 years later when we were perfectly fine and happy but I needed to. I had to.

"Am I nothing to you?" I finally blurted out, not even thinking twice as the words rolled off my tongue.

"Where is this coming from?" He sounded surprised, off guard and thoroughly confused. His voice was now fully awake as he was now shuffling around, what only I could assume is his bed.

"Am I nothing to you?" I asked yet again, still my works not phasing me. I was speaking as if it was a normal conversation I had in my head on a daily basis, a normal conversation that was twisting my words around in every sense of the word.

"Why would you even say that?" He queered at me through the phone, his voice almost sounding shaky like he was getting choked up with tears. This is something that would normally alarm me, something that would send the chariots rushing in after him in hopes of making him feel better but I did.