Unpredictable • cth

56

wow 12 k reads, i love you all xx
this is a very visual chapter, lots of pictures for you ;)

Ella

It's been a few weeks now, the tour was canceled for the next few months, my therapy sessions are weekly and so are the visits with Officer Kent.

It's like a never ending cycle but for once in my life since my mom died I genuinely feel normal, I feel almost happy with the person staring back at me in the mirror. Was that a bad thing?

That was the only question besides if or when they will get Jackson, but it pains me to say that since my discovery of his plans for me, two other girls have come out with rape accusations and are pressing charges against him. It doesn't pain me that they are pressing charges, no. It pains me because he did the one thing I was hoping he didn't, he hurt two more innocent girls just like he did the first.

But if I have to look on the positive side, the side my therapist is telling me to always look on, the side I used to love on before high school, now they are concrete charges of an 18 year old adult sexually assaulting two minors under the age of 16. It's sick to even think that way but now he's considered more than just a sick bastard, he's technically a sick pedophile who's going to be in jail for a long ass time.

Truthfully I haven't talked much about him in therapy, it's been more or less my own problems and insecurities. Not that Jackson isn't a problem, he very much so is but I've had bigger fish to fry long before him and it feels right making those my priority.

I go to therapy now once a week but before that twice, at my own will I asked for that and the one who hesitated was my father because he hates giving up control, he hates giving into the fact that i'm not ok. But he loves my therapist, he thinks that Mr. Green is 'awesome' and that's a direct quote from after my therapist took us out for coffee to get to know us better.

It's weird to have the therapy sessions all about me, even though in all cases the past year has been nothing else than about me so in all honesty I shouldn't be as weirded out by the attention as I am.

But none the less we've talked about anything and everything, starting with my mom and Ryder all the way to Jackson and my fathers tour. It's nice to speak to someone who is unbiased, who will not sway me in either direction because that's what they feel is right or because they feel loyal to a person.

Speaking of feeling loyal to a person, I've been called flower more times than my own name, I swear it's like they all mad a pact with a mom or some shit.

My father obviously started using the term again sometime near christmas, slowly starting to replace my name with it and now that's simply all he calls me.

Though my family, who never really called me flower much besides my parents, are now using it a bit sparingly as they say hello or asking me how I am. The one who started the trend amongst the aunts and uncles was in fact Uncle Ash, who is practically swearing the name up and down holy every time he speaks it.

But the most recent and probably the sweetest use of the name is by Ryder.

He still calls me baby, it's his name for me and I doubt that will change, but every now and then he'll throw flower into the mix somewhere. Weather it be to grab my attention or just to say that he loves me he uses the term like it belongs to him, which at this point it just may.

The way he says it pulls on my heart strings in just the right way, and I like when my heart strings are feeling pulled by him, I've missed the feeling.

Sometimes he'll drive me to therapy, wait outside and make sure I'm feeling just alright enough to go find a place that makes me happy, any place he says, so I'll pick a place for the day that makes me happy and he'll take me. More often times the night it's just us walking about Mel Rose  or stopping to get fruit at those trucks on the sides of the roads that have crates on tops of crates. He says it's his way of allowing me to cope, after talking about the sad memories I need to make a happy one, which of course he's right, most of the time he is.