THIS IS THE WAY (A Mandalorian / Star Wars Fanfiction Story)

CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR: ONE WITH THE FORCE

Cal sits down on the ground. AD and I do the same.

«Meditation is not a simple thing.» Cal starts. «You need to relax and stop thinking so that you can allow the Force to open your mind.»

«I hear you talking about the Force but I still don't understand what it is.» I say confused. «What is the Force?»

«It is an energy field that creates every living organism, it surrounds and penetrates all creatures and holds the galaxy together in harmony and balance. Close your eyes.»

I close my eyes, waiting to feel something.

«Take a few breaths. Relax. The Force is everywhere. It's not a Jedi acquisition. The Force is a separate thing. It's there to guide us. Whenever you feel anger, rage, jealousy, fear, or hatred the Force will be there to guide you. To calm you down. To appease these negative feelings, because through these emotions only bad deeds are born. Take more breaths. Deep breaths. Meditation is more than forging a deeper connection with the Force... It is about gaining a deeper understanding of ourselves. It is a means to gain greater control over our thoughts and feelings. Peace. Serenity. Harmony. Focus on the emotions that dominate your mind. Be honest with yourselves about everything you felt and the effect those feelings had on you and those around you. And then let those feelings go. Make your body an empty vessel that the Force will be able to fill. Keep taking deep breaths and when you're ready repeat this: I'm one with the Force and the Force is with me. I'm one with the Force and the Force is with me. You can repeat it from within.»

I'm focusing on my breath and I'm starting to repeat the words Cal has indicated to us.

What emotions dominate my mind?

I'm trying to remember, but Cal told us to keep our minds clear from thoughts.

I keep repeating the words. And slowly I feel my body relaxing. The emotions that have ever dominated me overwhelm me.

Joy: Every time I was fixing something on my own without Andor's help. Seeing how proud he was of me. My life with them made me happy.

Then I feel frustrated. Frustration and anger that they hadn't told me anything. That they had hidden from me that I was adopted. The anger led me to abandon them without a second thought.

Loneliness: All those years I've been alone. I felt the loneliness all around me. In the empty house on those endless nights when I couldn't get any sleep and the walls seemed ready to drown me. Loneliness that didn't go away. Not even the contact I had with the people in the market could reduce my loneliness. I was on my own. Something I chose myself.

Fear: The fear that caused me the dream. That dream was coming more and more often. The dream that predicted what would happen.

And then Mando came!!!

I was overwhelmed by anticipation, wanting to ask him to join his crew. Then fear rooted in me as I learned about the mines. Fear again. But also courage. The courage I found to go to the mines on my own.

Gratitude for Mando coming with me to the mines without asking him.

And then anxiety. Anxiety about the plan. Anxiety about what would happen in the mines and whether our plan would work. And then fear again. Fear and anxiety. These two feelings are repeated over and over again as I travel as a member of Mando's crew. But those feelings are fading. And something else is born.

Anger, anger, and... Hate... hate about learning the truth. Now I know. Now I know I wasn't just mad at Mando. I hated him. For an instant moment, I hated him for hiding the truth from me. I hated him that while he knew I was his daughter when he knew how much I wanted to find my father, he had hidden the truth. He didn't tell me anything. He let me hope. He even let me think my father was a Rebel pilot. He fooled. And for a few moments, I hated him for it. And it's the first time I acknowledge it. What am I supposed to do? I can't deny how I felt. What can I do? I can only accept that. To accept that I hated my own father for a while. I hated him when I didn't know the truth. I hated him when I didn't let him explain.