Aftertaste (Sin #2)

XL.

Alexander's POV

"Honestly, doc, ever since my little sister died, I've been pushin' people away because it hurts too fucking much when you lose them. I didn't even consider having a serious relationship and committing to someone. I had girls, lots of them, and I had them so they took my mind off. I didn't know what I'd do with a girl. I never considered myself fit for a boyfriend because I'm too fucked up. And when I pushed my bullshit aside and dove deep with Gabby, I thought it'd all fall into the right place, but my mind is such a piece of shit sometimes and I do the most fucked up shit ever."

"Do you consider the impact your actions will have on your girlfriend after you do things she's not happy about?"

I frown, starting up at the ugly white ceiling that's supposed to be calming, but it just pisses me off because it's so ... bland and ugly. Going at the therapies is exactly how it's shown in TV shows and movies. You lie on a couch and talk to your therapist. It's supposed to make you relaxed and welcomed, but the couch is fucking uncomfortable as hell because it's too short for my body and it just makes me think about every bad decision I've done in my life, which doesn't make me relax. At all. "I don't think about what will happen. I don't see it's shitty until it's done. Not even then, sometimes."

The doctor studies me and scribbles something in her little notebook. That pisses me off, too, because I have no idea what she's writing down and I don't like to be kept in the dark. "You know, Alexander, I think you do realise that what you did was wrong and you feel guilty about it. That's why you keep things from your girlfriend, which, in the end, makes her mad at you and gives her a feeling you don't trust her and you hide things from her."

I turn my head to look at her. "I do trust her. She knows me better than anyone else. Not even my parents know me the way she does."

"I believe she feels left out sometimes because you do things that she considers wrong and you don't mark them as a big deal."

"But I stop doing them when she tells me she doesn't like them."

The doctor sighs. "I believe you're doing things you know your girlfriend won't like on purpose. You keep pushing your limits to see how far she'll go before she leaves you, too, and you'll blame yourself for it. You have to accept yourself, embrace your past and leave it there. It's defining your future and until it's hanging over your heads, it'll impact your life."

Huh. I look back up at the ceiling. "Okay, doc. How can I do that? And how can I get my girlfriend back?"

"You already made the first step by admitting you need help. Show her you want to change for the better. And just avoid things and people that make you go off-track because you need some time and space to heal your mind and make it a healthy place for both of you. Your sister's death made a huge impact on you and it's understandable you have a hard time trusting people and you want to push them away to avoid getting hurt, but you can't live your whole life like that. You have to trust your girlfriend enough to believe she has the best intentions for you and she's there for you, but if you keep pushing her away ... she'll go."