Aftertaste (Sin #2)

XLVIII.

I wake up a few times during the night. I still have some trouble sleeping because I have nightmares sometimes. Oftenly, I don't even remember what they were about, but I just knew they were bad. This night, however, I kept waking up because Alexander couldn't sleep either.

He tried to be still and not move much, but I was a light sleeper these days and I feel every little movement he makes. And every time I'd ask him, "Are you hurt?" He'd lean down his head and say, "Shhh, I'm okay. Go back to sleep," followed by a kiss on the top of my head.

But he was hurt because I heard him taking painkillers in the middle of the night. And that made me feel guilty because we just shouldn't do what we did. The doctor said no and I should've listened to him more and to Alexander less.

I snuggled closer to him and whispered, "I'm sorry." That's all I could offer right now. I know that there's nothing I could do to help him ease the pain.

"Not your fault," he whispered back.

I had trouble falling asleep this time. I didn't want to disturb him, so I laid as still as I could with a heavy feeling in my chest. It still hits me here and there when I look at him or when I see him in pain that I could've really lost him. Alexander didn't want to tell me this but I heard that he told others he got lucky because the guy was aiming for his heart but he somehow managed to move quickly and the bullet landed in his shoulder.

So, yeah. I could've lost him while we were broken up and resolving our troubles. Rosalyn and Alfred could've lost another one of their children. And Sam could've lost another cousin of hers. I ... I would've lost my best friend. My soulmate.

"Gabby," Alexander says.

I didn't realise I started crying. "Sorry," I say, pushing my face into his chest to muffle my sobbing. He wasn't supposed to hear this. I was supposed to be stronger than this. But he's still my weakness and that'll never change. The best way to hurt me is to hurt him. Hell, when I heard that gunshot, I'd let Ryder take me away and do whatever he wanted to do with me. I thought, at that moment, that Alexander was really dead.

I would've let him kill me then, too. It sounds as if I'm overreacting, but I'm not. I've lost my parents before and I know how it is to lose someone you love. I was little then and it didn't hurt that much. Now I got to experience it for just a brief moment and I knew I wouldn't make it. It would hurt way too much. Or they'd just had to put me on something so strong that I wouldn't feel anything anymore.

Alexander, no matter how many imperfections he has, no matter how many times he hurt me, intentionally or not, is still my person. He's still my guy and he still gave me more of life than I got in all eighteen years before I knew him. He made me stronger and, most importantly, he made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere. To someone.

And I knew then that I would never get this again because I could never love someone like I love him. Because I'd never stop loving him, even if he wasn't here anymore. He'd always have me if he wanted to or not. And, yes, this might be weakness on my part, but I simply don't know any other way with him than to give him everything that I am because he doesn't deserve anything less. Because I know that, in return, I'll get him. All of him.