Aftertaste (Sin #2)

XXV.

Alexander went out to get the tests. He told me to stay here and wait for him, but that's just making me nervous. I don't know what to do with myself. I walk around the living room in circles, thinking back if I could have any signs that I am or aren't pregnant.

I mean, we're protected. I've been on the pill even before he and I got together for safety reasons what almost happened to me years back. He was using condoms with me at first, but then stopped.

And I know the pill doesn't protect me one hundred percent, but this just can not happen. I can't have a baby. Neither of us can have one because we're not ready. We're way too young and we can barely take care of ourselves.

I sit back down on the couch, tapping my foot against the ground. I think back about how I was feeling these past weeks. Tired, but that's kind of normal for me. I did crave a lot of sweets and mixed weird food together, but that's not completely abnormal, either.

I start to bite my nails, but I quickly pull my hand away from my mouth. I haven't felt sick in the mornings, so that's a good sign. I don't even know how far in the signs start showing.

But I've never, ever lost my period before just like that. I always had a regular cycle, even when I was treating myself poorly, didn't eat well and was sad most of the time. I still had it – weak, but it was there.

I want to call Alexander to ask him if he's on his way, but I stop myself. I think about calling Sam because she would probably give me some encouraging words. She would definitely know what to do in a situation like this, but I don't want to bother her with this.

When Alexander finally returns, I'm sitting on the couch, my head resting back and I'm looking up at the ceiling. My head immediately snaps into his direction and I'm on my feet, walking towards him. "Did you get it?"

"Yeah," he says. I see how tight his face is. He's probably scared, too, although he's holding himself together better than I am. "I got the last two tests."

I just nod. I'll have to make an appointment with my gynaecologist tomorrow. I don't know how long I'll have to wait for her to have time and see me.

I check the boxes to see the instructions. Two lines - pregnant. One line - not pregnant. I swallow. I take the tests with me to the bathroom on shaky legs. Alexander waits outside.

I do what I have to do before coming outside. Alexander is sitting on the couch in the living room, having his head in his hands. He looks up when I come out, standing up. It feels like I'm holding my breath until I'm standing in front of him.

"Now we wait," I say, setting the two tests down.

I sit down and Alexander sits with me. I lean my head against his shoulder, closing my eyes and terribly wishing this wasn't my reality right now.

"Are you timing?" Alexander asks me.

"No," I say back.

It said to wait at least three minutes. So we're waiting. I don't know how long. It feels an eternity. But then, it doesn't feel like long enough. "Can you look?" I ask Alexander quietly. I'm too scared to do it. I keep my eyes closed.