youngblood | a.i.

fifty nine || zugzwang

Saturday, November 7th- 2:16 a.m.

| Zugzwang |
a players obligation to move, even though any or all moves will result in certain loss

× Ashton ×

To my satellite-

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry I didn't listen when you told me you were going to break me. I'm so sorry I thought I was stronger than this. I'm so sorry I let you break me like this. I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you.

I'm so sorry.

You always told me you would break me though... Maybe I should have listened. Maybe I should have realized I was as weak as you thought.

Because right now, I'm shattered to pieces.

When we first met, we were trapped in our own darkness, alone, but when we found each other within that darkness, we lit a spark, slowly creating a light together.

But right now? I'm burned. That spark we made burnt me.

For years I used to wish that I'd just simply never even met you. Now I know why I never wanted to. Because the real you destroyed me more than anyone else.

I miss the good moments, back when this all first started. I was destroyed inside and out when I first met you. I could look in the mirror and not even recognize who was staring back. She wasn't who I wanted to be and she wasn't who I was before- she hated that she couldn't even remember herself.

Just like you, I'd created a fake persona- Anastasia Hemmings. She had the perfect life and prettiest smile but the happiest ones are always the ones hiding the most, right? I was falling apart inside, but nobody knew... cause Anastasia Hemmings was perfect inside and out.

So I drank and partied to fill the void inside me that the fake persona couldn't even cover. I'd drink to numb the pain, for it all to stop for one second. Drunk Anastasia numbed her emotions so she didn't have to acknowledge how she didn't want to keep fighting. But drunk words are sober thoughts, right?

But we truly were so much more alike than I'd ever admit. You were as broken as I was. You had a facade too, one only I saw through. You had when your eyes were completely green, and when they were hazel. I feared that hazel, cause it only ever hurt me, but I knew you were just as broken behind that facade of hazel as I was behind my facade of ocean blue.

Did you see only angel when you looked into my eyes? Because I was destroyed behind those angel eyes, but you refused to truly see it. We all have our secrets though, Angel, huh?

Andrew had broken me first, and then again three months later. The second time his hand flew over my mouth, I thought it was you fucking with me, Ash. You'd thrown me in that chemicals closet just a week or so earlier... it could have just been you again. Looking back, I wish it would have been, cause none of this would have happened if that night hadn't. I wish you would have never told me what had actually happened that night because hearing about it was why I didn't want to remember. The lie I had created in my head was so much easier to understand.

But here was one of our key differences- you didn't need my help to be whole again. You could have put yourself back together all on your own, but I couldn't. Because in my head, I wasn't help-able. I was the only one who could help me, but I didn't want to help myself.

But I was help-able in your head. That's what drew us so close. We wanted to help the other. But it didn't matter in the end, did it? We only ended up destroying each other anyways.