youngblood | a.i.

seventy five || exchange

Thursday, November 12th- 5:35 p.m.

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Ashton had managed to keep me grounded all through practice, even keeping me sane as we listened to coach's peptalk about tomorrow's last home game before states.

Thankfully, it ended soon enough and Ash led me back to his Jeep so we could go get my car. He walked to my side, opening the door like he always did as I crawled in before closing it behind me and climbing into his seat.

We started on to the road quickly, getting away from the people and place that had been affecting my mood all day. Ashton had noticed the whole time, not needing to ask what was wrong since he had a sixth sense allowing him to tell.

"You want the aux?" he offered up, trying to turn around my mood as we got away from that dreaded place.

I shook my head, not even in the mood for music at this point.

"Damn," he reacted, setting the cord back down before looking back out at the road. "You can talk to me, Angel."

"I know," I sighed back, slowly allowing my internal monologue to spill out. "I just... Ugh, I hate people. It felt like all day all I dealt with was judgment from everyone but you and it's driving me insane. No one but us truly understands what's happening and everyone around us feels the need to make up their own story of what it is. It feels like everyone around me is looking at me like I'm pathetic because of the parts of us they do know... Hell, maybe I am just patheti-"

"Auni," he stopped me, his hand temporarily leaving the stick shift to land on my thigh. I looked over to him, feeling my chest loosen after getting it all out. "You're not pathetic, but you have every right to be frustrated by everyone around us. I spent so long hiding it to protect you that no one knows anything about us past the drunken bet they overheard being made and revealed. They're bound to judge, but in the end, you're a firecracker and their opinion shouldn't be able to stomp out your spark."

I felt myself bite the inside of my cheek, knowing he was right. I wasn't acting like me right now, and it was driving me as insane as they were. "Can we just talk about something else?" I asked as he drove us down a route I'd ingrained in my mind. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."

He nodded beside me, letting out a breath as he tried to think about something else to bring up. "Umm... Tomorrow's senior night," he offered up. I nodded back, excited to move on. "My mom is supposed to actually come back for it and walk me across the field."

I smiled at him. "That's awesome, Ash."

"I know. She hasn't been to one of my games in years and now she's gonna get to watch me break the record," he said happily.

His energy was contagious, second handedly making me happy. He deserved to have her there. She meant just as much as I did to him, so having her there was an important moment for him.

"It'll be amazing for you," I told him, slowly falling back to how I usually am with him. "Plus, I noticed you got your boot off and you're down to just the small brace so hopefully your foot is all good."

"Yeah," he nodded back. "I just have to wear this during the game and I'll be good."

I smiled at his excitement, watching as he continued beside me while I listened intently. "And some scouts might be coming back to watch me again since last time got cut short. Maybe I'll get a closer offer." 

He seemed excited, but it felt like a stab in my chest as I remembered the daunting cloud above us waiting to destroy us both.

"I keep forgetting you leave for college soon."

"We've still eight or nine months," he sighed softly, obviously sensing my change in temperament as he changed with it. "But maybe one of the scouts closer will offer me something so I don't have to go as far."

I shook my head lightly as this cloud above us finally rained down on us. "I don't know how we're ever going to make it work when you leave."

"Don't say that," he stopped me, turning down the road that led to the cabin. "We will make it work. I promised you we'd be alright."

"A promise never stays in the long run, Ashton," I told him quietly. "We both know that."

"No, I'm not breaking anymore promises," he stopped me again, shaking his head, refusing to accept my words. "We'll be alright. We will figure something out. I'll get an offer closer so I can still be here or I'll take the one I got and drive back every chance I get-"

"Ash, it's five hours-" I sighed back as he turned to the cabin, pulling in beside my car.

"No," he cut me off, putting the car in park and turning to face me fully so I had no escape. "We will be alright, Angel. Stop using that tone. I will never break you again and leaving you for college will do that. No matter what happens, we will figure something out. I will drive as far as I have to to stay with you. It will only be a year before you'll leave for college too and you'll get an offer everywhere... You can pick where ever you want and I will still make it work."

No matter how hard we wanted to make it work and how much it would break me to ever have to call this off again, this would never be fair to him. 

He didn't deserve to have to go off to college tied down to a high schooler. We didn't deserve to have to drive five hours back and forth just to see each other. He didn't deserve this extra stress when he should simply just be excited to have an offer in general. Hell, he doesn't deserve to even be considering not taking it.

"It's not fair to you, Angel," I whispered back, unbuckling myself and reaching for the handle. "You deserve to focus on your future, not ours." 

I pushed my door open as I finished my words. I knew he would immediately stop my doubt, but my words were true. It would hurt. The pain would be excruciating to call off something we'd just glued back together, but it would never be fair for him. He didn't deserve it, and it would be easier to break now than nine months down the line.

"You are my future, Auni," he replied just like I'd expected, jumping out of the car to meet me behind it. I quickly opened the trunk, digging my keys out of my bag before throwing it over my shoulder. "I know what I deserve and the only thing I truly don't deserve is you, but I want to prove that maybe one day I will. I won't lose you. I refuse to go through that again."

I unlocked my car as I listened to him, knowing this was the inevitable. It was better to go through this now than eight months later when it would shatter our hearts so much more.

"Ash, you deserve so much more than me." I turned away from him, walking over to my car and throwing my stuff inside. I shut the back door, stepping up to open the driver's door when Ash finally rounded the back corner of his Jeep.

"Just say you love me," he pleaded, obviously starting to give up just like he had a week earlier. "You don't have to mean it, but maybe this will hurt a little less knowing you did at some point."

I shook my head as I looked at the hand I had on the handle of my door. I quickly pulled my hand off of it, striding back over to where he stood. When I reached him, I placed my hand on his cheek and pushed to my tippy toes to match his height in one swift motion, bringing his lips to mine in case it was the last time I ever got to.

He molded himself to me just like he always did, lower his level down to me so I could shrink back down to regular height. His hands wrapped around my back, pulling me tight against him to eliminate any distance between us mentally and physically.

I didn't want to pull away. I never wanted this moment to end- I never wanted us to end, but I knew it was for his own good.

I pulled away from him, stepping backward towards my car as I repeated those same words I had previously.

"I hate how much I love you, Angel."