A Winter Soldier and A Lost Cause

Chapter 5 - His Pain

The evening came to a close naturally.

Bruce had fallen asleep. Sam, Clint and Tony has passed out after too much to drink. Steve had gone to bed, Nat went for a late training session and Wanda and Vision were talking in the corner.

I had decided to go to bed after a long evening and fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. Images flashed through my mind in my sleep: a young man begging for his life, a little girl screaming as I stood over her father. I yelled out and sat bolt upright in bed, beads of sweat falling down my face and tears streaming from my eyes. I felt trapped knowing I was never going to be free of them.

That's when I heard more screams. I pinched myself to make sure I was awake and that it wasn't more of the dream. It wasn't me.

I walked to my door and opened it, shaky on my feet. The sound was coming from Bucky's room. I worried going into his room would startle him but I couldn't just leave him screaming out. It was unbearable to hear him in such pain.

I opened the door quietly and saw Bucky on the floor at the foot of his bed twisted in his sheet, sweating and crying in his sleep.

I had to be cautious so I knelt down next to him and whispered, "Bucky", "Bucky you're ok, wake up", "Bucky it's y/n", but he couldn't hear me. I placed a hand on his shoulder. Big mistake. Bucky's metal arm came up at such speed and his hand wrapped tightly around my throat. He looked through me, not at me. I tried to call out his name but I couldn't breath. I tried to prise his arm from my neck instead but he was much stronger than I was. The only reason I beat him in sparing a few days ago was the element of surprise. My vision started to blur as I managed to croak out "James". I don't know why I used his first name, no one ever did but once I said it, recognition flashed across his face and he released me.

I fell onto your side next to Bucky, coughing and drawing in sharp breaths. Bucky jumped up and moved as far from me as he could. He stared at me utterly terrified and stuttered out an "I.. I'm.. y/n i'm ... so sorry". He left the room, not looking back.

I caught my breath and walked around the tower trying to find him but he was nowhere to be found. After an hour or so of looking, I returned to bed praying he was ok. I couldn't sleep. I had to tell Bucky I was ok, that I didn't blame him. I weren't sure I'd get the chance, he'd seemed very spooked.

The next morning I ran downstairs as soon as the sun streamed into my room. I ran straight into Steve almost toppling us both over. "Woah hey there, in a rush?"

I was out of breath, "Uh sorry Steve, have you uh seen Bucky?"

He looked around, "No I haven't y/n, maybe he's in-" he looked back at me eyes wide. "Woah y/n what happened to you?!"

I must have looked at him so confused because I had no idea what he was on about, "Huh? What do you mean?"

Steve gently grazed my neck with his hand and I squirmed as it felt sore, "look at your neck". I walked over to the bar by the kitchen and looked in the mirror behind it.

"Shit" I said. There was a mixture of purple,blue and green bruising around my neck. It must have been from Bucky's grip last night. Steve was still eyeing you concerned.

"I'm okay Steve. It's nothing" I turned round to face him but saw a figure entering from the lift. It was Bucky. His face was puffy like he's been crying. He locked eyes with me, then looked down seeing my neck that my hand was resting near having just examined the bruising. He looked devastated. "Bucky I'm fine really I -", he held up a hand for me to stop and ran upstairs.

"Sorry Steve, I'll explain later", I ran past him and after Bucky who slammed his door before I could get to it. I tried to open it but he'd locked it. "Bucky, please listen to me. I'm fine and it wasn't your fault!"

The door swung open, anger and tears in his eyes. "Fine?! You're not fine y/n, just look what I did to you! I didn't even know what I was doing and I almost killed you!"

I tried to comfort him with a hand on him arm but he moved away. "Please Bucky, I'm not mad at you! I shouldn't have spooked you. I get nightmares too, that's why I was awake! It could of easily been the other way around"

"But it wasn't! It was me and I hurt you when you tried to help me. I thought I was getting better but you can't trust me"

"But I do trust you Bucky, more than anyone else here!"

"Don't" he said finally making eye contact with me. "I'm not good for you, just... just go" and he closed the door and shut me out.