A Winter Soldier and A Lost Cause

Chapter 8 - I planned it

"My best girl" the man on the floor said, "and my greatest weapon" he closed his eyes waiting for what was to come.

I fired a single shot that hit him square in the middle of his eyes. My tormenter was dead but the nightmare wasn't over.

----

The blood spread from his head across the floor as tears silently ran down my face. Someone was calling my name but it sounded far away. I couldn't take my eyes off the limp form beneath me. Then a hand reached my shoulder, cold and strong. Another hand, this one was warmer and softer, reached for my face and cupped my cheek. The figure gently turned my face towards them removing my eyes from the sight on the ground. My sight landed on Bucky. His bright blue eyes met mine and never wavered. His mouth was moving, words gradually becoming clear.

"Y/n" he said. "Y/n you're safe.... come back to me"

I took a sharp intake of breath and all my senses came back to me, your eyes darting around wildly.

"Hey, hey, y/n look at me"

My eyes fell to the floor glancing over the body that lay there and I cried out, shaking as I realised what I'd done. I could be ruthless, I had been most of my life but killing him was different. That was a choice I made and it overwhelmed me.

Bucky swept some hair behind my ear and turned me back to him. "Look at me y/n, only at me."

I did so and met his eyes again.

"Are you back?" He asked. I nodded and he sighed bringing his forehead down to rest on mine. It was oddly intimate considering we weren't together but he gave you peace in all the chaos so I didn't stop him. After a few moments I raised my hand to place on his that rested on my cheek savouring his touch. Then I pulled it away giving it a gentle squeeze as Bucky gave me a nod. He knew I needed answers perhaps better than anyone.

I placed my gun in his hand, I had no intention of hurting anyone else, and turned to face Tony. The others hadn't moved or said a word. They simply watched my every move.

Tony opened his mouth to speak but I raised a hand to silence him. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath attempting to compose myself and steel my nerves. I opened my eyes and looked straight at Tony.

"I don't care that you knew my father and I don't care about whatever argument led to you getting rid of him". No one dared interrupt me. All that could be heard was a faint breeze as it whipped through the warehouse.

"But did you know? Did you know where I was?"

He didn't break eye contact as he replied. "Yes, I knew where you were". I broke into a small cry, tears falling again.

"And the men in suits who took me to prison last week, that was you?"

Tony simply nodded.

"How did you know where I was that day? I didn't even know I would be there"

"Because I planned it" he replied causing another wave of confusion to hit me. "The mission you were sent on, the man you were after; I planted him and his crimes making him your target. The car was reinforced and given cushioning that would look normal to the naked eye so that when he threw you from the building as instructed you'd land safely. The only way to the city from there was through New Jersey so that's where my men collected you"

A question appeared in your mind and rolled straight off your tongue "Why didn't you just bring me straight to you?"

"I needed you to be under the radar for a few days so the organisation would believe you were dead. Bringing to straight to the Avenger tower would draw too much attention"

I was finally getting answers and I don't know why but I could feel it was the truth, that Tony wasn't lying to me anymore. But the biggest, most painful question still remained. I know if don't ask now, I'd never have the courage.

"Why didn't you h-help me sooner? Why wait so long?"

Tony pondered this question for a while, the tension was thick.

"I knew your father had given you up. But I, - I thought you had gone to a state orphanage and the selfish person I was could live with that. By the time I discovered about a year ago that it was something very different, you were already..."

"A lost cause" you finished for him.

"No. It just took me time to subtlely form a plan to get you out. I know what you went through was horrible y/n and-"

I cut him off, narrowing my eyes and automatically increasing the pitch of my voice. "Do you know Tony? Do you actually know what I endured?". The only way to get though to him... was to show him.

I unzipped my suit's jacket and took it off, dropping it on the floor. Then I removed the long sleeve black top leaving me in only a black sports bra from the waist up. Steve shifted uncomfortably and Nat brought a hand to her mouth in anguish, tears welling in her eyes. Tony, Sam, Wanda and Clint looked confused as they couldn't see my back so I took a few steps closer to Tony and turned slowly on the spot to show them. Wanda gasped, Clint lowered his bow in sorrow and Sam took off his goggles in disbelief at what he was seeing. Tony's eyes ran all over my back from the brand on my shoulder to the scars from Whip slashes that covered most of my upper back, some merely cuts, others deep grooves. I made eye contact with Bucky as tears threaten yet again. He held my gaze looking only at me and not the scars I had revealed. He gave me strength and I held the tears back, putting my shirt back on. I turned back to face Tony, making a decision that would be a turning point for me. I had to stop living in the past and dishing out blame for what I had gone through. You had to live with your scars but that didn't mean they had to define you. The past was done and even if a part of me was angry with Tony, I had to move on. Not for hin but for me.

"I used to think I deserved the pain of punishments. I took lives from mothers, fathers, friends... children". It was hard for me to name that last one and it spread unease among the group. The mission in Cuba 2 years ago where 13 children died as 'collateral' from a bomb I set was what haunted me most.

"I can't forget what I was made to do and I can't change it as much as I wish I could. But I'm tired of punishing myself for it." You made direct eye contact with Tony. "And I refuse to punish you for it either. I don't blame you for who I became and I believe that you would have helped me sooner had you known what was really happening". I took a deep breath feeling a weight lift off my chest as I let go of what held me back for so long and more tears ran down your face. God I was crying a lot today.

Tony's suit shifted and he stepped out of it. He walked towards me slowly. I felt scared that he might ask me to leave, that I'd done too much to be welcome with the avengers anymore. Instead he wrapped his arms around me and I collapsed into him, crying.

"Thank you... for saving me" I told him.

"You're stronger than you know y/n. You saved yourself, I simply gave you the means to do so" he replied.

He held me tightly and I let it all out. All the fear, anger, helplessness. All of it, the way I needed to all along.

Author's note: I'm really happy with how this chapter turned out :) now I've established more of a backstory for y/n I'm going to focus a bit more on the relationship between the reader and Bucky. I think these later chapters are better than the earlier ones so if you're recommending this book please let people know it gets better lol. Thanks!