A Winter Soldier and A Lost Cause

Chapter 9 - Part Angel, Part Devil

After a good while in Tony's embrace, I had broken apart and apologised to everyone for what I had done. The image of my tormentor's lifeless body was etched into my mind and I felt guilty that they had all seen me as my old self. But I couldn't bring myself to feel guilty for the actual act I had done. With him dead just maybe now I could have some peace, not looking over my shoulder waiting for him to reclaim me. Maybe. Despite Tony's support afterwards I'd still expected consequences to what I'd done but none came much to my surprise. Wanda and Nat had hugged me and said they were there for me. Clint put a hand on my shoulder and said he would have done the same in my position. Even Steve gave me a hug and told me that no one could judge me for what had happened and he hoped I'd find some peace now. Their kindness overwhelmed me. I finally had a family.

*1 week later*

Nat had refused to let me go back into my shell after the events at the warehouse so she trained with me daily and I could actually hold my own against her. I sparred with Sam once too but whipped his ass so he steered clear of ring when I was in it. I joked with him about it every now and then but promised I'd leave his bruised ego alone from now on earning me laughs from most of the team. It'd felt good to be myself and make people laugh.

Bucky and I were on much better terms now too after talking it through a bit and I was grateful that he'd consoled me the other day. After he'd seen what I was capable of he  seemed less afraid of injuring me, funny that.

*4 days ago*

"Knock knock" it was Bucky leaning against your doorframe.

"Come in" I replied with a smile

He walked in and sat near me on my bed.

"So I'm just going to take a shot in the dark and hope you aren't mad at me anymore for being-"

"Stupid?" I finished to which we both chuckled.

"Yeah, that" he replied

I reached out and took his vibranium hand. I chose that one on purpose to show him it didn't bother me.

"I'm not mad at you Bucky. I was upset that the person I was growing closest to shut me out and pissed off that you made me a victim when I wasn't bothered in the slightest by what happened. I know you weren't yourself just like I wasn't exactly myself when I -". I stopped yourself. It was hard to admit that I'd killed again and even harder to know that I did it of my own free will, not as an order.

Bucky squeezed my hand, "It' ok y/n. You don't have to say it. I know what you mean and I'm sorry I closed you out. I'm just- *he took a deep breath* I've hurt a lot of people in my life, including those close to me like Steve. I don't want to add you to the list"

"You won't" I replied with a small smile. "There's nothing you could do that would make me hate you or push you away. You can't hurt me so long as you stay open with me and trust me as your friend". I wasn't sure what Bucky and I were really but 'friends' seemed the least complicated definition right now.

"Then as my friend" he replied returning your smile, "I have been told to tell you that Tony is hosting a party this Saturday to formally welcome you to the team". I opened my mouth to object but he put up a 'sh' finger. "No getting out of it y/n, it's madatory".

I rolled my eyes and huffed, "Fineee"

*present day*

Nat and I had just finished training and were in the kitchen drinking some much needed water when Wanda came over.

"Soooo, what are you girls wearing tonight?" Wanda asked.

I chocked on some water. "Crap. I don't have anything! I forgot about the whole dressing up part"